The Best Friend Myth
What if… best friendship is a… myth? I don't mean myth as in fictional allegorical narrative meant to teach a moral story or explain natural phenomena. I mean … this…
During a recent speaking engagement, we had a conversation during the Q&A about the concept of best friendship. What exactly is it? Is it singular, e.g. can a person only have one BEST friend? The question-asker wanted to know what to do if they want to be closer friends with someone but the other person brushes them off because they already have a best friend? (Spoiler: That person's probably not a great match for you.)
I'll tell you my opinion, based on my study of friendship and supplemented by my observations as a qualitative researcher. “Best” is a squishy barometer, because the criteria that quantify “bestness” can change at any time. Consequently, sticking to the idea that there can be only One True Best Friend in life might make you feel disappointed more often than you desire.
Is a best friend:
The friend you talk to the most often?
The friend you have the deepest conversations with?
The friend you've known the longest (regardless of emotional closeness)?
The friend you're most fond of (even if you're not the person they're most fond of)?
The friend who is most fond of you (even if they're not the person you're most fond of)?
The friend you've shared the most joys with?
The friend you've shared the most struggles with?
…and/or something else?
The fact is, a best friend can be someone who fits into one of those categories, or none of them. The friend that you talk to the most and feel closest to today is in a Very Special Role that might be occupied by a different person in six years (or six months!)
And keep in mind that feelings of closeness in friendship are not always mutual or static. Betty might be the friend that Veronica cherishes the most (and that she'd call a best friend), but Betty might not think of Veronica the same way. Betty might actually consider Asha to be her best friend.
We use the term "best friend" in a similar way to how we use the word “love.” We use it to mean many different things, and people don't always mean the same thing even when they're using the same words.
My suggestion: Let go of the attachment to the label “best friend” and simply focus on caring for the connections that light you up. Notice who you experience mutual, reciprocal magnetism with, and collaboratively build a closer friendship with them. Maybe even experiment with a polyamorous approach to friendship, trying on the idea that sharing love doesn't limit the amount of love available to give.
Consider the research of evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar who found that our friendships exist in rings of connection, something like this:
Fun fact: As Dunbar’s research about the size of our social circles has found (and is explained in his absolutely incredible book Friends), our friends often drift from one ring of connection to another over time. So even if someone was in your “intimates” or “best” ring ten years ago, it doesn't guarantee they'll still be there today. And the people that are in your closest rings today might be replaced with different people by 2029. And that's ok!
Friendship — and even “best friendship” — isn't only valid if these are stationary roles that we occupy until we die. Sure, some people meet their best friend in the hospital nursery and stay besties until their joint cremation appointment 99 years later, but for most people it doesn't happen like that. We come and go, in and out of each other's lives. The most important thing is that we treat each other the best we can while we're here. 💛
This essay originally appeared in the We Should Get Together newsletter. Become a subscriber below.
