How to Help Your Black Friends and Your Non-Black Friends Today
My name is Kat Vellos and I am alive today. I am grateful for the air I’m breathing right now.
I’m Black. And queer. And a woman. And from another country. Maybe you are some of these things, too. I'm different in a lot of ways that the dominant white culture in America says makes me less than. Some would even like to see me dead, just because of the things that make me different from them. And if it wasn’t bad enough that we had a pandemic that's been killing Black people at higher rates than whites, the scourge of racial violence and police brutality is exploding to make things even worse. But I have a bunch of privilege, too, which I always aim to use for good.
If you're not Black and you're reading this, I'm writing to ask for your help.
Today (2 min read)
Today, my heart is heavy. I’m wondering what some people’s definition of friendship means on a day like today. Friendship isn’t just about watching rom coms, getting boba tea and sharing happy hours. Friendship shows its true depth in times of real need.
Today, I imagine what might happen if every non-Black person stood up and demanded an end to the unjust systems that perpetually support the oppression of Black people in America …and they didn’t stop demanding it until we got it. The oppression of Black people goes hand-in-hand with the oppression of every other underrespected population in this country: Indigenous, Latinx, Asian-American, queer, disabled, and more. If enough people said “enough is enough,” I believe we could begin to see real change in our lifetimes. This would be more than friendship, it would be allyship, accompliceship.
Today, I am thinking of all the kids I worked with during my seven years doing youthwork, and all the kids growing up today. I think about all the kids whose parents aren't talking to their kids about race because they think doing so will make their kids racist, despite research repeatedly proving that the opposite is true. I think of how desperately and how frequently we need adults to have the courage to talk to kids, so their kids don't internalize and perpetuate the dangerous beliefs that create the situation we're in today. If there are kids in your life, please take the “How to talk to your kids about race” workshop at raceconscious.org
Today, I am asking everyone who is reading this who cares about justice, equality, respect for humanity, and yes, the belief that Black lives matter — that my life matters — to move beyond caring and to move into action. Sitting around feeling shocked, helpless, guilty, pity, or even just ‘caring a whole lot’ won’t change things. Taking action will.
Today, I am tired of having this conversation. I appreciate all the non-Black friends who have thoughtfully DMd or emailed to let me know that they’re thinking of me, or asking me if I want to talk to them about what’s happening. TBH I don’t. I don’t need to have another conversation about how oppression is awful. I already get it. In America, cops kill 1,000 men per year (~3/day), most of them Black and brown, and most of the time, it doesn't go viral. I need my friends and fans to have conversations about this with other non-Black people who need to be engaged into action. I need everyone who is not Black to join hands and fight for us the way you would fight if the same kind of destruction was coming for you.
How you can help (1 min read)
There are many ways to fight back. It would be a mistake to feel helpless just because marching in the streets isn’t something you want to do. You can set up recurring donations at organizations that work on this issue. You can give money to people who are working to support others who are held back by this unjust system. You can call and write your politicians. You can do everything in your power to prevent voter suppression which is one of the most silently nefarious ways that Black folks’ voices are silenced. You can work to defund and demilitarize the police. You can read books to get past whatever internal blocker has prevented you from having these conversations with people in your life so far.
Please don’t disregard the power of direct communication with people in your life. Speak to the people who you think it will be hard to talk to, especially the ones who secretly or not-so-secretly harbor racist and prejudiced views that contribute to making the world continually unsafe for Black people and other marginalized groups.
• Speak to that friend who made a fucked up comment at a party last year.
• Speak to the liberal friends who think voting democrat once a year is enough.
• Speak to the family members that you never talk about race with.
• Speak to the "really nice" people who you're certain couldn't be prejudiced but who you've never had a conversation about race with.
• Speak to the non-Black friends who play Black music but don’t appear to have any Black friends.
• Speak to your white friends and family members about why it is not people of color’s responsibility to dismantle racism and white supremacy.
I know these conversations are hard. I have these conversations myself on a regular basis with many people from various ethnic backgrounds. It may give you jitters but please do it anyway. It gets easier with practice.
If you need help or don’t know what words to use in a conversation about race, I made you a resource: the Better than Small Talk deck for talking about Race. Use these cards to help you initiate conversations about race with the people that you most need to be having these conversations with. A good cadence to start with is monthly or weekly.
Make a list, check it twice (1 min read)
For every social media post or email you send regarding race, make a list of 5 non-Black friends and initiate a real conversation about race with them directly. If you don’t use social media, then list five non-Black friends’ names every time you hear something on the news that breaks your heart, then initiate a conversation with them. Don't only tell Black people how much the news bothers you — go tell non-Black people. The more powerful, financially resourced, and well-connected those people are, the better.
Obviously, I don’t know your race, but if 1,000 people read this post and initiated five conversations each, that would be 5,000 conversations about race that would never have happened otherwise. If each of those people initiated five more conversations, it would be 25,000 conversations about race that never would have happened and potentially 25,000 more people making a commitment to anti-racist action in an ongoing way. As it rippled outward, it could seed millions of opportunities for meaningful change where it matters most: with the people who are not already engaged... with people who have settled into complacency, thinking that because they don't do explicitly prejudiced things, then they’re not benefitting from privilege or contributing to systemic racism.
"But I don't know what to say" (2 min read)
Do NOT say stuff like, “Wow, things are so bad. Aren’t you shocked? I’m shocked. This is unbelievable, this has to stop…”
Ask your non-Black friends:
• “Will you join me in making a long-term commitment to working on dismantling racism in the world and in ourselves?”
• “Can we brainstorm ways to grow as people who take anti-racist action on a consistent basis?”
• “Will you hold me accountable and bring it up to me when I stop being focused on this?”
• “Can we role-play tough race-related conversations and share our most successful conversation starters and responses?”
• “Will you keep me from getting complacent when I start to act like being anti-racist just means being a nice person?”
• “Will you join me in creating an ongoing anti-racist book club, donor circle, and action group that won't stop until racism is over?"
Here are action-based resources , self-education resources, a media list with discussion guides, and an antiracism club to get you started. Don’t just skim the lists and close the tab. Many of the books, podcasts, articles, and resources on this list will help you figure out what to say. The more you say it, the easier it gets. Add one item on that list to your calendar daily or weekly until you’ve completed the entire list, then make a new list.
Supporting your Black friends (4 min read)
Here are a couple of tips for engaging with your Black friends right now. Obviously, I can’t speak for all Black people, but I really think I’m not alone here...
When checking in: Take a break from asking your Black friends the overly broad and generic question “How are you?” That question sucks. I’ve always been irritated by the vagueness of it, and it’s especially frustrating right now. “How are you” never has an easy answer, and the answer “fine” is garbage. “How are you?” is especially triggering right now since any reasonable person can make an educated guess about how Black folks might be feeling right now. It also puts the person you're talking to in the position of having to explain themselves to you. It’s a way for the asker to take something that the other person may not feel ready or open to giving. Black people who are angry, sad, afraid, or grieving are likely being inundated with that question and it can be triggering to hear it repeatedly from non-Black people.
But by all means, offer your support. If you know their love language, give them something they would appreciate. If you send a text or DM, don’t be offended if you don’t get an answer back or if you get a very minimal answer. The person you’re reaching out to may be feeling overwhelmed and not up for talking.
Do not say: “OMG, THIS IS INSANE. I'M SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. ARE YOU FREAKING OUT? LETS TALK”
This is ok: “I’m thinking of you and I’m here if you need anything at all.”
Even better: “I’m thinking of you and I’m here if you need anything at all. I’m sorry that I haven’t shown up for you fully around this issue in the past. I’m dedicating myself to fighting racism. I initiated XX conversations with people in my life that I’ve never talked about race with before and I won't stop bringing this up in my network. I set up recurring donations and am doing XYZ as well. I’m embracing the hard changes I need to make within myself so that I can be a part of the solution. I invite you to ask me direct and hard questions on this topic in the future. If there are other things you think I should do, I’m open and ready to hear. No need to reply unless you want to. Thank you for your patience, and for your friendship. I love you.”
[Note: Only say any of this if it’s true. If it’s not true, have some hard conversations with yourself about why. Also, some people won’t like this strategy since it puts some of the focus on the speaker instead of the person they’re reaching out to, but I like it because I literally don't know which of my non-Black friends actually take action to be allies, and which of them just post on social media and think that's enough. Not knowing, and wondering if I’m surrounded by non-Black people who are “all talk, no action”, makes me feel even more alone. My love language is acts of service, so I want to know what action you’re taking. When I learn that a friend is doing more than I thought they were, it really means something to me. But don’t assume everyone who is Black feels like I do. Ask your Black friends what would be supportive for them.]
Feel free to keep it brief. One great example I got from an Asian-American instagram friend yesterday: “Thank you for your emotional labor in sharing these tips. I screenshotted them so I can initiate some of these convos with my non-Black friends esp in the AAPI community. No need to respond if you don’t have energy or capacity.” [AAPI = Asian American Pacific Islander]
In IRL conversation: If you had a previously-scheduled call with your Black friend to talk about something else, but you feel like talking about race relations, ask if they’re open to conversation with you about race and what’s happening across the country right now. Don’t assume that we want to talk about it with you all the time — or at all. If the purpose of the call was to talk to you about something else, definitely do not catch us off guard by launching into a long venting session about yourself and how many Black friends you have. Ask for our consent to enter this conversation with you, and offer to listen to your Black friend first before you start talking about yourself. Ask if there are things that we do or do not want to discuss or hear about right now.
In the future, some good replacements for “How are you?" are “What's present for you in this moment?” or “You’ve been in my thoughts” or my personal consent-seeking favorite: “What would you like to talk about or not talk about today?” Here are dozens of other alternative questions to ask. Consider changing your default opening greeting in a conversation from a question that makes someone explain themselves to you (such as ‘how are you’), to an invitation for them to define the boundaries of the conversation around what feels good for them.
photo by jamie nease
Moving forward
While it may feel awkward or tiring to have conversations and make commitments like this, consider how tired we feel. Black folks don't get to take a break from being harmed by racism so you shouldn’t take a break from trying to dismantle it if you’re truly opposed to it.
And if you get any pushback from people who say they're tired of hearing about racism, tell them: “If you're tired of hearing about racism, work to abolish racism.”
Don't take action because you feel sorry for me, or because you feel sorry for Black people. Do it because you know that as long as we’re not free, you’re not free. Acknowledge that when you live in a society that accepts oppression, you don’t really live in a free society.
“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere…Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly.” — Dr. MLK Jr.
Thank you for being a friend.
Kat Vellos
Author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships
and one last thing…
1. If this anti-racism resource will help you have even one important conversation, you’re encouraged to pay me for the value I provide. Creating this resource took multiple hours of work and emotional labor during what are exceptionally challenging times. I want to be helpful—and my work is worth something. Donate on Venmo at @katvellos or at paypal.me/katvellosauthor
2. Since Black Lives Matter has been getting an influx of donations lately, I’ve updated this post to recommend Color of Change if you want to make additional donations. Color of Change helps people respond effectively to injustice in the world around us. They’re a national online force driven by 1.7 million members, and they move decision makers in corporations and government to create a more human and less hostile world for people of color, and all people. I’ve volunteered with them multiple times and I’m especially fond of their work around increasing voter turnout. Donate then sign up to volunteer.
3. Please amplify this piece; I want it to help as many people as possible. Here’s how to do that in a way that would feel supportive:
If you’re an individual who wants to reshare it on your personal social media account or emails, you have my permission — go for it and thank you — just tag me on it. If you want to, you can encourage people to donate if they find this guide to be helpful. I’m @katvellos on Twitter and @katvellos_author on Instagram.
If you’re a business, membership organization or media institution who wants to syndicate this piece on your blog, newsletter, magazine, social media or other media, I will likely say yes but please request permission (email is fine but even faster is to send me a DM on Twitter or Instagram), and consider offering a donation with your request to reuse my content. If it’s good enough to share, then it’s good enough to make a financial contribution for the work that went into creating it.
