How to reply to “How are you?” or “How have you been?”

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When I wrote my viral blog post in 2020, Alternatives to ‘How Are You?’, I aimed to give our beloved world enough variations to forever-after open conversations with more clarity and intention. But sometimes it’s even harder to figure out how to reply to “how are you?” than it is to ask an alternate question for it. Questions like “how are you?” and “so, how have you been?” are used as conversational styrofoam, like those plastic air bubbles that came in the cardboard box with the shower curtain, kitchen scale, and heated vest you ordered off the internet. (Trust me on the heated vest, it’s amazing.)

That’s why I wrote this post for you. If you find it hard to answer “how have you been?” and similar questions, bookmark this page and make sure to grab the goodies below.

Why answering “How are you?” or “How have you been?” can be difficult or annoying (2 min read)

Alternatives to How Are You by Kat Vellos

Reason #1: The questions “how are you?” and “how have you been” are frequently used in the United States as a greeting, just like saying “good morning” or “nice to see you.” So it can be frustrating if you wanted to share a real answer to the question, but the other person is already walking away since they never intended to stick around and hear the answer.

Reason #2: Similarly, it’s hard if you don’t think the other person really cares about the answer, so you don’t attempt to give a meaningful answer, but they really did care about the answer, and by not giving a sincere answer, you miss a chance at genuine connection.

Reason #3: Coming up with a reply for “how have you been?” can be challenging because we can’t tell how detailed of an answer the asker wants. Do we give a teaspoon-sized answer, or do we launch into a much longer and truer explanation of the ups and downs that have actually been happening lately? Do you make the person deal with the consequences  of their actions by giving them that big, true, possibly messier answer, only to see how they squirm when confronted with the realization that by asking a question, they requested something they didn’t want — an answer!?

So, WTF do you say?

The ambiguity is the problem. Saltier readers would also say that there’s a level of insincerity in “how are you?” because questions like this are often acts of performative caring. I know there’s someone out there right now shouting, “Nah uh! When I ask “how are you”, I really mean it! I really want to know how the other person is doing.” Sweet! I’m really happy to hear that. My suggestion for you: Quit disguising genuine concern in the language of performative caring.

View fullsize

👆🏾 CLICK TO ENLARGE. (Comic by @katvellosauthor)

What to say instead (1 min read)

All of this is why I advocate for just giving a clear greeting, if greeting is what’s intended. For example, there’s nothing wrong with saying “good morning!” or “it’s great to hear your voice again”, leaving it at that, and getting down to business. The positive intention is clear, and that can be enough. A question isn’t necessary as part of a greeting.

If a true inquiry is intended, a more specific question would do a better job. If you ask me “how was your morning so far?” or “what’s on your mind today?”, your intention to listen is clear. The specificity of the question makes it easier to trust that the asker really wants to hear an honest answer, and the range of potential answers is vast. 

The American “how are you” habit has a predetermined scripted answer. That answer is some variation of: “I’m fine/good. How are you?”. It’s so ingrained in our culture, that English tutors who help people from other countries prepare for life in the States warn them that when they live in the U.S., people will ask “how are you?” all the time but don’t really care about the answer, so don’t get your feelings hurt if they don’t want to listen to an earnest answer.

Giving the scripted answer can feel fake, frustrating, and invisibilizing, especially if you’re not at all feeling fine, good, or well. It also feels disorienting to give a chipper, “I’m good! How about you?” when the world is on fire, various genocides are underway and being funded by your tax dollars, and you’re worried that an insurrectionist-n-aspiring-autocrat is aiming to take over the government, while simultaneously wonderful things are also happening like that story you just read about neighbors coming together to cancel each other’s medical debts, aaaand there’s an adorable tabby cat snuggled against your feet.

This is how we get where we are now: Thousands of people every day are frustrated and confused about how to respond to the question “how are you?” (especially over text message!)

So, I am here to help. 💁🏾‍♀️

(Side note: If this kind of thing is your jam and you’re not getting my newsletter, subscribe! You’re gonna love it.)

What I made for you

Below, I’m sharing a wide variety of possible answers to “how are you?”, categorized by different situations and differing levels of depth. You can use a single reply as-is, or you can combine one reply with another reply from another category. Many of these options work for me, but your mileage and destiny may vary.

Feel free to pass this along to anyone who you think would be interested! I hope this resource makes your life and your conversations a bit easier.

If you find this guide useful and you want to thank me, you can buy some of the accompanying downloadable resources in my shop like the Better Conversations Kit and the Connection Jet Pack, all for the low low price of $10-12 bucks each. Thanks for supporting my work!

Ok, let’s dive in.

My #1 tip for answering “How are you?” and “How have you been?”

If you’re checking out at the grocery store and need to keep moving, there’s nothing wrong with using the classic American “how are you / fine, how about you?” script to get the pleasantries over with so you can both move on with your day. But if you truly want to have a genuine conversation with the other person, and there’s time for that, my recommendation is that you give a short answer that has a little movie trailer in it, so the other person can easily ask a follow-up question if they want more info. (If you don’t want to connect with the other person, scroll to the bottom of this post and look at the section for conversation-killers.)

The movie-trailer strategy is great for when you’re getting to know someone new, since it’ll give you insight into whether the other person has a well-developed sense of curiosity. If they pick up the super easy conversation-starters you place in front of them, that’s generally a good sign.

When you answer with this strategy, you give your reply the power to act as a portal that can take you both into a new place. Adam Mastroianni described this beautifully in his post, Good conversations have lots of doorknobs. Below I wrote you some examples of answers that have little movie-trailer-esque hints in them that pique (not peek or peak!) the other person’s curiosity.

Answers to “What have you been up to?” or “How have you been?”… when you’re keeping it real and you’re open to talking more about the specifics

I have no idea who created this image since I’ve seen it on the internet a lot, but I love it; this instance is linked to @awakenstardust on Instagram

1. I’ve had a couple really beautiful experiences lately that have me feeling super lucky and hella inspired.

2. I’ve been working hard on a special side project and it’s starting to take off which makes me really excited for the future.

3. I’ve been trying some new meditation practices that are helping me stay in the present moment and enjoy small moments more.

4. I fell in (romantic/platonic/community) love! Ask me anything.

5. I’ve been feeling excited lately because I’ve been learning a ton of new things and getting fascinated with stuff I never really thought about before.

6. I’ve been putting down roots and trying some new strategies to make more friends around here, and it’s been going awesome. 

7. I’ve been on the road so much lately! Planes, trains, automobiles, TSA, hotels, and waking up trying to remember what time zone I’m in.  

Answers to “How are you?”… when you’re keeping it simple, upbeat, and brief

1. I’m feeling shiny and optimistic. What are a couple words for how you’re feeling?

2. I’m looking forward to a great day. What’s one thing you’re looking forward to?

3. I’m grateful to be alive and healthy. Are you feeling healthy these days?

4. Things are going pretty well, honestly. Thanks for checking in. Are you ok too?

5. Never been better. Thanks!

6. I’m doing pretty great, thanks for asking.

7. Happy to say that life is going pretty well. How about you?

Ten of Swords, from the Modern Witch Tarot Deck by Lisa Sterle

Answers to “How have you been?”… when you’re not doing well and you’d like to talk about it

1. I’ve been learning what the phrase “dark night of the soul” really means. Ask me anything.

2. TBH, I’ve definitely been better. Questions, encouragement, and pep talks welcome.

3. TBH, … I’ve been dealing with a bit of a conundrum. Can I tell you about it and get your perspective?

4. Sucky, TBH. I really need _____.

5. You ever seen the Ten of Swords tarot card? The one where the person’s laying on the ground with ten swords stabbed in them? Yeah, …like that.

6. I feel like I’ve been in a flood, a fire, and a tornado all at once. Ask me anything.

7. Honestly, pretty crappy. Thanks for checking on me. I can share more if you’re open to it, but no pressure.

Answers to “How are you?”… when you’re not doing well but prefer to keep it brief

1. Standing in the rain, and looking for a rainbow.

2. Definitely not awesome, but I’m hanging in there.

3. Craptastic, but I’m trying to keep my sense of humor.

4. I’ve been on the struggle bus so much lately that I qualify for platinum status.

5. Been to hell and back but I’m still standing.

6. Not well, but I don’t really wanna talk about it.

7. In the gutter but looking at the stars. No further questions right now, please.

Cheeky or funny responses to “How are you?”

1. I’m a [your zodiac sign] so obviously I’m fabulous.

2. I’m enjoying my ride on the overthinking rollercoaster of life.

3. I am mysterious. No further questions.

4. Devastatingly gorgeous and brilliant, clearly. /s

5. Mostly composed of oxygen, hydrogen, nitrogen, carbon, calcium, and phosphorus.

6. Counting down the minutes to happy hour.

7. I’m lucky as hell, because I get to talk to you! 😄

Priya Parker’s glowing review of The Better Conversations Calendar

Review of The Better Conversations Calendar/Kit by Lillian S

Answers to “How are you?”… when you want to switch to a different question or get some clarification before you reply

1. Is it cool with you if I answer a different question?

2. Do you mind if we do a different warm-up question?

3. The answer depends on how much time you have to listen LOL, sooo, do you want a short, medium, or long answer?

4. How are any of us, really?

Beware • Warning

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Beware • Warning ⚠️

Answers to “How are you?”… that kill a conversation

There are legitimate situations in life when you truly would prefer to kill a conversation. Perhaps:

• You don’t want to share personal information

• You don’t want to go into a deeper conversation

• You don’t want to get more questions from the other person

• You want to intentionally dead-end the conversation

• You want to subtly let the other person know that you’re not interested

In these situations, giving an answer that has more finality in it will indicate to the other person that you don’t want to talk further. You’ll make the job of conversation annoyingly difficult for them, so they might give up and go away. And you might want that, for any number of reasons.

To accomplish this, you have a few options:

• You can give an answer that has a tone of finality.

• You can reply with a minimal answer then toss the same weak question back, knowing that they’ll probably just use the pre-scripted answer.

• You can end your answer with a comment that implies you’re ready to focus on something else.

💡 Note: The generic replies below tend to lead nowhere, especially if a friendship is new. In a new friendship, replies like this will likely short-circuit your attempts at connection. It makes the other person’s conversational job harder since you’re not giving them anything to work with. 👉🏾 But on the flip side, the exception is that in longstanding, very close friendships or other kinds of intimate relationships, some of these ultra-minimal replies function as an effective and short on-ramp into the conversation, so folks can dive into the meaty stuff more quickly. Isn’t it ironic?

1. I’ve been alright. How about you?

2. Hanging in there. How ’bout you?

3. Doing alright. You?

4. I’m good. How you been?

5. Fine as can be expected. You?

6. Can’t complain. You?

7. I’m fine.

8. I’m well. Thanks for asking.

9. Fine, thanks. How can I help you? (This one’s taking me back to memories of working retail.)

Ok, that’s your warning. Do with that what you will. Before we wrap this up, I have one last, crucial tip to give you.

For a real conversation: Ask follow-up questions

As I wrote about in my book, We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships, one of the best ways to take a chat from the on-ramp fluff of opening pleasantries into the conversational equivalent of a winding road through open country is to get better at asking follow-up questions.

Research from Harvard University shows that people who are good at asking follow-up questions are liked more by their conversational partners, and perceived as being better listeners, more understanding, and more caring.

So when you’re making new friends or trying to show up as a better friend to your existing friends, start asking better opening questions and better follow-up questions! When you ask thoughtful, relevant questions, the other person is more likely to like you and to want to keep hanging out with you.

Are ya drawing a blank on how to do that? Don’t worry I’ve got you covered. 👇🏾

The ultimate cheat sheet to take with you

Bookmark this page! I hope this post helps you expand your conversational repertoire and have an easier time answering “how are you / what’s new / what have you been up to / how ya been” and all the other semi-insincere check-in questions that the world will toss your way.

By trying some new responses to “how are you?”, “how have you been?”, “what’s new?” and other questions like that, you’ll be more equipped to guide your conversations into more fulfilling and intentional places.

Plus, it'll make you look like a more skilled and sparkling conversationalist.

And if you want to get better at opening questions with far more useful questions, I have the ultimate cheat sheet for you below.

$10.00

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If you’d like to get:
• Alternatives to “How Are You?” in the Classroom
• Questions for New Friends
• Questions for Old Friends
• Ideas for Friend Dates
• Things to Thank a Friend or Colleague For
• What to Say or Do For a Friend Who’s Having a Hard Time
• What to Say When You’re Reconnecting After Time Apart

… Order the Connection Jet Pack

$12.00

Add to Cart

And if you want:
• Alternatives to “How are you?”
• Alternatives to “How are you?” at work
• Alternatives to “How was work today?”
• Alternatives to “How was school today?”
• Alternatives to “How was your weekend?”
• Alternatives to “What have you been up to?”
• Alternatives to “What do you do?”
• Alternatives to “Where are you from?”
• Alternatives to “What’s new?”
• Alternatives to “What are you doing for the holidays?”
• … plus questions to get closer to your sweetie
• … plus playful icebreakers

…Order the Better Conversations Kit

Both are printable, digital downloads. Once you download them, I recommend putting the images on your computer’s desktop wallpaper so you always have them ready for any conversations, zoom call, or meeting that you’re in. I’ve also had customers send me photos of the wall next to their desk where they created an actual physical wallpaper out of all the pages. You do you, boo… make it happen!

Oh, and If you want to get a bulk order or bulk license that would allow you to share my digital products with your entire team, reach out to me on my contact form for a quote. Thanks for your support.

XOXO,
Kat Vellos
Author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships

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