From #@&% to YES! The email introduction method loved by millions

Apr 17

Dearly beloveds, I need to get something off my chest.

This topic has been on my mind for a while and many of you have told me that this is a source of frustration for you, so it's time for some public service announcements. It's a little spicy 🌶️, and I know some folks might get salty 🧂, but the best foods are salty and spicy so here we go.

It has to do with the etiquette of email introductions. Yes, I said etiquette, like I'm a Victorian duchess holding court with a candelabra in hand. I also said email introductions, because we live in the future and our lives are governed by these clackity boxes that we use to communicate with other future-era humans. Too many people don’t know how to introduce two people via email (without making one or more of them swear out loud.)

And here's the thing. I love community. I love people. I love the efficiency of technological devices. But what I do not love is when people use the efficiency of technological devices to assume that my love of people and community means that I have no boundaries, or that I am perpetually open to endless non-consensual email introductions to every other human who also fancies the same topics, hobbies, and capitalism survival strategies that I fancy.

What I'm getting at here is The Ding Dong Dash Email Intro. It's the dreaded non-consensual WTF moment that you don't want to be the guilty culprit of.

The Ding Dong Dash Email Intro

The Ding Dong Dash Email Introduction is akin to ringing someone's doorbell and running away while leaving a stranger standing on the doorstep. It happens when you send someone an unsolicited and unexpected email introduction that they didn’t opt in to. It happens in email, LinkedIn, social media DMs, Whatsapp,... I mean, the only place it doesn't happen is on our actual doorsteps because as a society we understand that showing up at someone's house unexpectedly is frequently Not Cool, and it's far less cool to show up unexpectedly with a stranger who wants a favor.

Sending a Ding Dong Dash Email Intro is a risky move that’s likely to invoke the ire of whoever you’re sending it to. How? Allow me to explain…

🔥 The Ding Dong Dash Email Intro is evil in four ways:

1. You've assigned the recipients the task of booking a meeting simply because you thought they should know each other. You haven't inquired to find out if they agree with you. You just made an assumption and delivered it with a task attached to it.

2. You put yourself on Boss Mode. Are you their boss? Do you get to tell them who to take meetings with? Do you get to tell them what to prioritize in their one wild and precious life? If not, slow your roll. You assumed that the recipients have space in their already overfull calendar for something which you deem to be a priority. Unless they've told you that they want to receive surprise introductions, chances are that they already have a long list of priorities to attend to in their life and don't enjoy being subtly pressured to take on more at this moment.

3. You’ve brought stress and awkwardness to the introducees. Because you didn't take the time to do your research, you've created an awkward situation for one or both of the people you're introducing. They’re not sure what to do with this email, and they don’t feel ok ignoring either because of point #4:

4. You've fled the scene of an impending social capital crime that sets you up as the good guy and sets up one or more recipients as the bad guy. How? If you send me an intro and I don't follow through, I make you look bad. But when you pressure me to do something I don't want to do, you make me feel bad. Both of these situations harm our relationship.

Ding Dong Dash Email Intro: Work

Hi {your name here}, this is Rando, who (does something vaguely connected, or not at all connected, to the work that you do).
Hi Rando, this is {your name here} and here's their website/title/whatever.
I'll let you two take it from here! 👋

Ding Dong Dash Email Intro: Friends

Hi {your name here} , you should meet Rando who (maybe lives in your town / also likes friendship / also drinks coffee / also wears glasses / whatever).
Hi Rando, this is my buddy {your name here}. They're great. You should be friends! Take it away!
See ya later, suckas! ✌️

In the Ding Dong Dash Email Intro, the introducer believes that they're doing something desirable and useful, but as I wrote in my guide to gifting, desirability and usefulness can only be determined by the recipient. And the only way to discern if somebody wants this gift you want to give is to ask them if they want it. An unwanted email introduction is a bad gift. And it doesn't come with a gift receipt or an easy way to return it. Let's make this a thing of the past.

How to do email introductions in a less evil way

When you know two humans who you think might be jazzed to meet each other, the proper thing to do in the year of our Zoom Overlords, is to first privately ask each person if they want an email intro to the other person.

This most compassionate, thoughtful, respectful, reputation-boosting, and relationship-preserving method of email introductions is known by its fans and devotees as The Double Opt-In Email Intro.

This simple act is more pure and good than a sprinkle of sea salt on dark chocolate. It is all but mandatory in professional contexts and it will help you avoid splashing any "WTF, Sharon?!" moments into your friendships too.

1) Have a compellingly strong reason for the intro

Just because you’re in the same field as someone doesn’t mean you’re always in the mood to meet another person who does the same kind of work. Do all digital marketers welcome unsolicited email intros to every other digital marketer in the world? Do all chefs want to meet every other chef on the internet? I doubt it! The only exception I can potentially think of is maaaaayyyybe folks who do something so extraordinarily rare and niche that they're truly the only people in the world with that job or hobby, like an online dating coach for dogs that have PhDs, or metalheads who do nude birdwatching in the Arctic Circle.

When you float the invitation privately past each potential introducee, give them lots of relevant context about:

⭐️ WHO the other person is

⭐️ WHY you think they're worth making time for

⭐️ HOW you imagine this can be useful

Thinking you have an admirable WHY doesn't give you carte blanche to go spraying Ding Dong Dash Intros into the ether. Leslie (a subscriber to this newsletter) wrote in sharing her story about how having a good WHY can go wonderfully or quite badly. She said:

"A friend who works in the same industry (but at a different company) put me in touch with his colleague to talk about a method I've used extensively in my job and have strong opinions about. He did this twice. The first time he checked with me before making the connection and framed the discussion quite clearly, describing his colleague, her question, her role in the organization, etc. I met with her and we had a good conversation that hopefully saved her some time in applying this method with her team. It was also gratifying to share my experience with someone who might face similar challenges. The second time, he connected me with a colleague in a message, but it was with less context and without checking with me first. She didn't respond. My friend says she's busy with other stuff, and overall it felt a bit awkward. I think it's better to make sure that the people you're introducing are ready to act on the connection, and are willing to chat and connect."

2) Invite each person to opt-in or opt-out clearly

When you reach out to each person, invite them to respond with:

Yes
No, with or without a reason. Even under the best of circumstances (eg. high likelihood of compatibility; both people do similar jobs or care about similar topics) there might still be numerous reasons why the answer needs to be No.
Later aka "Yes, at X future date when my schedule can accommodate this additional drain on my attention."

Accept the Nos gracefully. Don't get all huffy because your friend wants to be master of their calendar domain. No is always an acceptable no-shame no-blame answer. (For more inspiration about sending invitations, check out my TEDx Talk)

3) Ask permission in the most considerate order

A subscriber who we'll call Ola nailed it when she described the thoughtful order in which she requests opt-ins:

"I check with the person I’ve known longer, have a deeper relationship with, or is higher in seniority (like maybe they’re a leader in an industry) first, to ask if they want to opt-in before I even suggest to the newer person that I know someone they should connect with (so I don’t get their hopes up)."

4) Tune In to WIIFM

Another subscriber, Amber, suggests remembering the initials WIIFM — it stands for "What's in it for me?" Make sure that there's a compelling incentive for both people to say Yes to the intro. If one person wants a favor from the other, encourage them to think of a way to show up as a giver and not just a taker. The busier or more senior person is often in a situation of being asked to share guidance, support, and resources, but they're not always offered anything in return. Use your creativity to think of how to make the Yes appealing to the person who's likely already giving a lot. (Here's the thoughtful offer that some sweet teenagers made when they asked me for an interview — their email was far better than a lot of the emails I get from adults and companies!)

5) Follow up after an email intro

Another newsletter subscriber, Rachel Gildiner from GatherInc, suggests, "Follow up with the people that you connected about a month or so after, and ask, 'Were you ever able to connect with X and how did it go?' It's a little nudge reminder if someone needs to follow up, and it also shows your investment in the person you were trying to help."

Ok, so you did your private check-ins to confirm that both people said Yes to being introduced. Now, how do you craft a winning intro email? Like this, which is a modified version of an intro I opted into and was happy to receive…

How to introduce two people via email

Example of a Successful Double Opt-In Email Intro

Hey y’all!
I am so excited that I get to introduce you two — and I'm so glad that you want to meet each other.
I know __Person 1__ because [plenty of relevant context and solid reasons for the intro]. [It never hurts to mention how you benefited from knowing this person and some glowing words of appreciation.]
I know __Person 2__ because [plenty of relevant context and solid reasons for the intro]. [Elaborate with more context, any benefits experienced, compelling reasons why this intro may be useful to both parties, and words of appreciation].
Because of [these detailed and highly specific reasons], I suspect you'll love to chat, especially about [these specific and uniquely-relevant topics].
If your situation has changed since I checked in with you about getting this intro, and it no longer works for you to connect with the other person, feel free to not take any action based on this email intro — please feel no pressure from me. If it still works for you both to connect, feel free to leave me off the replies as you pick up the conversation.
All the best,
{Your name, the thoughtful and considerate friend-in-common}

sharon saying how much she loved this post

Feel free to save, use, modify, and share this template and script! As long as you give me credit, tag me, and provide a link back to this post on my own blog, you're welcome to repost this on your personal blogs, newsletters, and social media. If you're from a media place and you want to run this in your media thing, you have to email me and ask permission to reuse this content (use the handy tips above!)

For more on this topic, another one of our subscribers, Steven, recommends checking out the book Taking the Work Out of Networking: An Introvert's Guide to Making Connections That Count. Even though it's geared at introverts, it looks useful for extroverts and ambiverts too.

Many thanks to the subscribers who wrote in to share your frustrations and perspectives on this topic! I am acutely aware that this email will come off bossy (who am I to tell people how to write email intros?) but enough of you have said this is important to you, that my inner Hermione is raising her hand and speaking up on behalf of the rest of the class. Enjoy. Now go transform those email intros — your friends and colleagues will thank you. 😉 🪄

And don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter below to get emails you’ll look forward to reading.

XOXO,
💛 Kat Vellos

Author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships