How to say no without feeling like a villain
Boundaries are hard because most of us want to be liked by others and it’s easy to believe that enforcing a boundary — essentially, saying “no” — is gonna make the other person hate your guts.
Which is why I want to introduce you to Sven. For years, Sven’s job has been to say no, repeatedly, all night, every day, to most of the people who stand in front of him, hoping to gain entry to the gathering behind him. Sven is the bouncer at Berlin's most famous gay techno club, named Berghain.
As one Redditor described it, “Regulars at Berghain party like it's their fucking job.” It’s a temple dedicated to techno and house music, partying without limits, sweating and dancing for 24+ hours straight, in a space that also offers 100% judgment-free sexual expression for all people, where absolutely no photos or recording is allowed, and casual observers are not welcome. It’s a place where full-on participation is the only rule.
(photo of Sven, courtesy of Wikimedia Commons)
It’s Sven’s job to instantly read people (a skill he’s honed through years of experience as a photographer and bouncer) and to decide immediately if they should gain entry to Berghain or not.
Most people standing in the 8-hour queue do not get in. Why not? Speculators say it's because Sven perceives that they:
Lack the stamina for a party like this
Want to be watchers and observers
Would be put-off or judgmental of what they’d discover inside
Would inhibit the unrestrained freedom and expression of the people inside
Think they deserve entry due to their money and status (Sven allegedly turned away Elon Musk among other celebs).
If you want to hear the full story about Berghain and Sven, listen to the June 21 episode of PJ Vogt's podcast Search Engine, or “The Fascinatingly Mundane Secrets of the World’s Most Exclusive Nightclub” which was Vogt's June 17 guest episode on Freakonomics.
But if you don’t have time for that and you want one lesson to hold on to when you’re the person guarding the door — or the person who wants to pass through it —
Remember this:
“The first question you have to ask yourself is: Are you a participant or are you a visitor? The definition of ‘club’ is being a part of a club. If you’re not part of the club, why should you be able to enter?” — Lutz Leichsenring, executive board member of Clubcommission Berlin and co-founder of VibeLab, speaking to Vogt on Search Engine.
By allowing in only the kind of participants who will jump into the center of a nonstop Saturday-to-Monday, no-holds-barred party, Sven is embodying the kind of generous exclusion that Priya Parker talks about in The Art of Gathering (no wonder she uses the term “bouncer” when describing this concept in her fabulous book).
Sven’s protecting the experience of the people who the space is designed for, by keeping the door shut to people who just want to observe and critique from the sidelines, or gain status by being seen there. Sven and Berghain’s policy is extreme — and they purposely choose to make less money because of it — but their policy’s efficacy isn’t measured by the opinions of the people outside, it’s measured by the satisfaction and safety of the people on the inside.
And it’s very hard to do.
For seven years I had to practice that same kind of generous exclusion (though way less hardcore lol) while protecting the safe space I’d carved out in this world exclusively for people who were Black designers living and working in the Bay Area. Folks who were often the only Black designer in their team or company — many who would otherwise not have any professional colleagues who could understand their hyperspecific intersectional challenges and needs.
And you wouldn’t believe how often I’d get join requests from people who weren’t Black, weren’t designers, and weren’t living in the Bay Area. I asked my members if they wanted the doors opened wider, and they said they cherished having the space stay as it was intended. So, I said no to those join requests, a lot — in order to preserve the safety, privacy, and sanctity of the space for the people it was designed for. But that No didn't have to be the end of the conversation….
As I explained during my fireside chat with community builders in the BuildIRL accelerator in San Francisco this past Saturday, there are ways to say no that don’t make you feel like an asshole. When I told recruiters they couldn’t join my Black designers group, I invited them to instead share their job listings with me and I passed the listings on via the member newsletter. When a wonderful Black designer in LA asked to join, I told them no — and gave them a free consultation on how they could set up their own Black designers group in LA, which they went on to do.
You can be a protective bouncer and a friendly concierge at the same time.
If you’re planning to create a club, gathering, or a group designed with any true purpose for a specific group of people, you need to prepare to be your own Sven. You will likely be tested, more than once. And each time, you’ll need to decide who you serve: the people who that space exists for, or the people who want to come in, watch, extract, and leave. Say no when you need to — and offer an alternative option when you can.
XO,
Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships
Embrace your inner Sven:
Need to be an adults-only bouncer? Read: How to ask your friend not to bring their kid
Need to hit the brakes with a new buddy? Read: How to turn down a new friendship
Sally from 3rd grade not getting the hint? Read: Tips for stepping away from an old friendship
Jessica Hische's bookmarkable compendium of “no thanks” email templates
The book: 365 ways to say no by Susan Newman