Better than Small Talk
Better than Small Talk was created by me, Kat Vellos, to provide individuals and teams with community-building experiences, workshops, and connection tools that help people break through the wall of small talk and get into real, heart-pumping, mind-sparkling conversations. I created it as an experiment that I explored on the path toward writing my book, We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships.
The methodology behind Better than Small Talk is rooted in scientific research on human connection, friendship, loneliness, longevity, and positive psychology. If you’re a spunky community-builder who wants more tools to rock the boat or if you want to work this magic in your own one-on-one personal relationships, we’ve got ya covered there — just place your order.
At the time I was working as a Senior UX Designer in the SF Bay Area and noticing that there were significant usability issues in the world of adult friendship. I, and many of the adults I held qualitative interviews with, were tired of having mind-numbing nonversations and craved deeper, more engaging conversational connection. So I made this: Better than Small Talk — a set of 300+ conversation cards divided by subcategory — to help people connect in meaningful conversation more easily.
Participants say:
“What a wonderful concept and experience. I loved getting to know others, hearing their stories and connecting with such a different group of people.”
“I loved it! You created a very friendly and inviting and intimate experience. I was surprised how genuine and real everyone was and how enjoyable it was. So much better than small talk! Thank you so much.”
“My friend took your friendship workshop and they said it was the single most ‘held’ space they’ve been in since this whole pandemic started.”
“I loved the mix of people — folks I wouldn't have met otherwise in my life. Thank you so much for organizing this!”
“Loved it! Thank you for making a wonderful space to connect.”
Why did Kat do this?
In 2014, I moved to San Francisco, a place where I had to start my social circle from scratch. Trying to make friends and form a new community came with tons of small talk. That was hard, because while small talk can start a conversation, it rarely leads to anything meaningful, and it’s so dang repetitive — always the same questions.
So I created an event that would get people together and strip away the small talk, while also taking away the pressure of thinking of something to say on the spot. I love writing and collecting questions and I created an extensive list of good ones that can kickstart good conversations.
I created this event because TBH it’s something that I wished existed. I wanted to create something positive that would help me combat my frustration with how long it takes to get to know people deeply. While I find small talk to be numbing and tiresome, I adore spontaneous, lively, vulnerable, honest conversations about uncommon topics. I imagined that other people might feel the same way.
It turns out that other people do feel the same way — all previous Better Than Small Talk events filled up immediately and had waiting lists to get in. So I decided to make my curated set of Better than Small Talk cards available for anyone to use, as a way to foster community, reduce isolation, and inspire more open, authentic connections between people.
Download your printable decks now
You deserve wonderful conversations. Since 2015, the Better than Small Talk conversation-starter cards have been helping people deepen their friendships, build community, and have better conversations. Friends, families, coworkers and strangers have formed more authentic connections with each other and transformed the way they relate, understand each other, and see the world. The cards will help you move past small talk and invite better connections with the people around you.
Over 300 of the Better than Small Talk conversation starters are included for free in my book, We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships. You can order the book now or order separate digital decks of the question cards below. Just print them out, cut them out, and go!
A FREE GIFT TO GO WITH YOUR CARDS
The Conversation Invitation
Are you really tired of repetitive small talk but not sure how to escape it? Transform lackluster conversations with The Conversation Invitation.
Start using it right away to gracefully cut off small talk at the pass and bring more depth and meaning to all of your interactions so you can have the kinds of conversations that really matter. (PDF, 1.3MB)
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Event Gallery
Take a peek into some previous Better Than Small Talk events below. Our previous gatherings have been in Oakland, Seattle, Berkeley, and Los Angeles. Ever since I made the cards available in my shop to anyone who’d like to use them, hundreds of people have used the Better than Small Talk card decks to create connection at their schools, workplaces, conferences, camping trips, and friends’ living rooms.
🎁 A lil surprise for the folks who scroll all the way to the bottom! It’s one of my favorite words, and it neatly sums up the unique feeling I felt when I started this big experiment. I still feel this way, TBH. Maybe you feel it too?
*Adronitis n. frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone — spending the first few weeks chatting in their psychological entryway, with each subsequent conversation like entering a different anteroom, each a little closer to the center of the house — wishing instead that you could start there and work your way out, exchanging your deepest secrets first, before easing into casualness, until you’ve built up enough mystery over the years to ask them where they’re from, and what they do for a living.
The word adronitis is a neologism created by John Koenig, who’s the author of one of my favorite books, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.