40+ Alternatives to “How are you?”
During the midst of the protests after the police murder of George Floyd in June 2020, a lot of people wanted to know how to support their Black friends, so I wrote a resource for how folks could do that.
One of the suggestions in it was about avoiding the overly broad question “How are you?” which can add stress to an already stressful situation. Of course it’s perfectly natural to care about people and to be curious about their wellbeing. Your concern and curiosity are the marks of a good friend. But in a lot of my circles, there’s been talk lately about people’s exhaustion with the question “How are you?” so this week I’m sharing some additional perspective about why that's happening, plus giving ya some alternative ways you can check in with friends.
Why the question “How are you?” has issues (2 min read)
Illustration by the talented Liz Fosslien who also chimed in on this blog post below
I’m sure there’s at least one raised eyebrow out there right now. You might be thinking, “How on earth could someone not like the question ‘How are you?’” Thank you for asking.
It’s too vague. At any given moment, I’m swimming in a cocktail of conflicting moods because: I’m trying to survive in a global pandemic, fascism is on the rise in the United States, I’m teetering on the edge of hangry and worried that 50% of Americans won't vote in the upcoming election, oh, and I just received the sweetest email from a reader that made me cry tears of joy,… so which one of these is the answer to “How are you?” The answer is: “I don't know, but probably a lot.” 🥴
Cultural norms dictate that a single, short, positive answer is expected like “Good” or “Fine.” But “fine” is kinda a garbage answer. I’ve even heard a joke that fine stands for “F*d up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.” Sounds accurate. 😂
Hearing “How are you?" can be especially triggering during times of crisis and stress (a.k.a. RIGHT NOW) since any reasonable person oughta be able to make an educated guess that someone’s feeling stressed, worried, or overwhelmed. Asking a chipper “How are you feeling?” when the sky is falling can sound slightly out of touch.
“How are you?” assumes that the other person needs to explain themselves to you when they may not feel ready or open to doing that. There’s not really a graceful or easy way to say “I don't want to answer that question” without coming off as rude so you’re pressured to give some type of answer even if you don’t want to. (I believe we always deserve the right to opt out of any question that's asked, but that's a topic for another blog post.)
When asked “How are you?” over text message, it’s even harder to answer fully since SMS is designed for minimal short responses, and the full, true answer probably doesn’t fit neatly into a single short phrase. (I might be the only weirdo here but getting asked “How are you?” over text is actually strangely triggering for me because it’s completely impossible to fully answer via text, and the act of silencing or squashing how deeply I’m really feeling just makes me feel worse.)
“How are you?” is just a habitual phrase that a lot of people toss out when they’re not really interested in listening. Have you ever had someone ask “How are you” as they walked by, and before you could open your mouth to reply, they’d already walked away? Yeah, me too. Doesn’t feel awesome. #JustSayHi
Alternatives to "How are you?" that will help you start having better conversations today (3 min read)
Below, you’ll find forty+ alternatives to “how are you” that you can try out this week. Life is more interesting when you try new things! Expand your repertoire — it'll make you seem like a compassionate person and a sparkling conversationalist!
And if this is totally your jam, you probably want a YEAR’S worth of alternatives! I expanded the list of 40+ alternatives below into a calendar with 300+ options you can use all year long as alternatives to our most common small talk questions so you never have to open a conversation with: how are you, where are you from, what do you do, what’s new, how was school, how was work, etc zzzzzz. It’s only $12. ORDER NOW
40+ Alternatives to How Are You
IN A CONVERSATION + YOU’RE KEEPING IT BRIEF
Priya Parker’s glowing review of The Better Conversations Calendar
What’s shakin’?
What’s the vibe today?
What are two emotions you’re feeling right now?
What’s one thing you’re looking forward to?
What are you feeling in this moment?
What’s top of mind for you right now?
Did anything make you smile today?
How did you take care of yourself today?
What have you been listening to?
What did you do today?
It’s good to hear your voice.
I’ve been thinking about you.
IN A CONVERSATION + YOU’RE READY TO DO SOME DEEP LISTENING
What would you like to talk about or not talk about today? (Bonus points here for asking for consent!)
How’s your heart today?
What’s alive for you in this moment?
What’s your day (or week) been like so far?
What’s on your mind this morning/afternoon/evening?
What would make this a good conversation for you?
Is there anything you need right now?
What’s in your tabs these days?
What’s something nice you did for yourself this week?
What’s one thing you’re looking forward to?
What did you do today?
What’s your current coping method?
What’s something you enjoyed lately?
Has anything been on your mind that you’d like to talk about?
Is there anything you’d love to talk about today?
What have you been thinking about lately?
Want to take three deep breaths together?
What’s one nice thing you did for yourself lately?
What topics are on or off the table today?
How have you been sleeping?
Is there anything you need right now?
If we could talk about anything you wanted, what would it be?
I really appreciate you being in my life.
I’ve been looking forward to talking to you.
I care about you.
I’m really glad we’re friends.
Something I really appreciate about you is…
I miss you so much.
{…just listen…}
IN TEXT MESSAGE:
Review of The Better Conversations Calendar/Kit by Lillian S
Thinking of you ❤️
Thinking of you [plus a cute gif]
I’m thinking of you and I’m here if you need anything at all.
Sending you a lot of love today. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.
Hey friend, thank you for _____.
Special option for a friend in crisis, submitted by my buddy Liz Fosslein, author of No Hard Feelings, Big Feelings, and illustrator of the popular @lizandmollie Instagram. She suggests saying: “Here are four ways I can support you right now, you tell me which ones you want today, tomorrow, or save for later. 1. I can call you to talk, 2. You can text me at night if you can’t sleep, 3. We can go for a walk, 4. You can come over and hang out.”
Get a year’s worth of alternatives to ‘How Are You’
I hope this was helpful. I encourage you to go all-in and get the Better Conversations Calendar/Kit which will give you a better question to use every dang day of the year. Once you get the digital download, I recommend putting the images on your phone’s or computer’s desktop wallpaper so you always have it ready for any conversations, zoom call, or meeting that you’re in.
Try out these alternatives and see how people respond. If you happen to say “How are you” out of mindless habit when you don’t know what else to say, don’t feel bad or beat yourself up about it. Just be aware and try to be more intentional next time.
Experiment and try new things that will strengthen your communication skills and relational muscles. Your friends and colleagues are likely to love it and ask for more! (And if you want to get a bulk order or bulk license that would allow you to share this with your entire team, reach out to me on my contact form for a quote.)
XOXO,
Kat Vellos
Author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships and creator of The Better Conversations Calendar/Kit