Last week Khe Hy from RadReads invited me over to record an episode of his podcast and Youtube show, RadFriends, and we explored a provocative question: 

Is friendship as hard as we think it is?

My answer may surprise you. 

It's “no.”

I say that because when people say that friendship is hard, they're usually not really talking about friendship. Lemme explain what I mean…

When we say that friendship is hard because we're afraid to introduce ourselves to new people, it's not because friendship is hard. It's because having courage is hard.

When we say that friendship is hard because we feel awkward around groups of new people, it's not because friendship is hard. It's because building up your confidence is hard.

When we say that friendship is hard because our calendars don't align or we feel overly busy, it's not because friendship is hard. It's because scheduling, prioritization, and persistence is hard.

When we say that friendship is hard because we're not becoming besties fast enough, it's not because friendship is hard. It's because practicing patience is hard.

When we say that friendship is hard because we're afraid to extend invitations, it's not because friendship is hard. It's because taking risks and dealing with rejection is hard.

When we say that friendship is hard because our friends don't give as much as they take, it's not because friendship is hard. It's because making requests and being disappointed is hard.

When we say that friendship is hard because our friendships feel shallow and aren't growing closer emotionally, it's not because friendship is hard. It's because being vulnerable is hard.

Think about it: If your best friends lived next door and they had free time at the same time you have free time, you’d probably say that friendship is easy.

When things don't go our way, or they require more effort than we prefer to give, we're quick to throw a big bucket of blame on friendship and say, “Ughhh, friendship is hard.”

 But maybe friendship's not hard at all. Maybe what's hard is all the stuff you have to do — or get better at, or get more comfortable with — so you can create the kind of friendships you wish for.

Let’s flip the script

If you've been playing the “friendship is hard” track on repeat, it might be worth it to practice noticing if you're applying the assessments — “hard” and “easy” — equitably.

Example A, The Old Way: You ask someone to hang out and they say no. You pause to think, “Ugh, friendship is hard!”

Example B, The New Way, Version 1: You ask someone to hang out and they say no. You pause to give yourself some positive affirmations: “Ugh. Dealing with rejection is hard, but I'm going to keep my heart open to connection. Even if every connection attempt isn't a success, I still grow from the experience. I'm looking forward to meeting all the new people who are on their way into my world." (Feel free to put your own spin on this. Say it in a way that sounds and feels like you.)

Example B, The New Way, Version 2: You ask someone to hang out and they say yes. You pause to mentally think, “Wow, friendship is easy!"

Example B, The New Way, Version 2 with a side of tacos affirmations: You ask someone to hang out and they say yes. You pause to mentally think, “Wow, friendship is easy!" You follow that up with some positive affirmations, like: “Things are working out for me. It’s worth it to be brave and try new things. I’m having an easier time connecting with folks, and that really excites me. I’m looking forward to seeing what unfolds. And I’m going to keep saying yes to connection.”

By pausing to mentally log the times that something “easy” happens in friendship, it can help reprogram your brain into thinking that friendship is, and can be, easier than you previously thought.

This isn't to say that there aren't challenges and effort involved in making and keeping friends! But maybe the thing that we've been calling hard isn't friendship itself, but the outlooks, habits, perceptions, behaviors, and mindsets within us that need to be upgraded.

And another thing

All of these challenges aren't unique to friendship. Every other aspect of life calls on our courage, confidence, persistence, patience, risk-taking, willingness to face rejection, dealing with disappointment, and being vulnerable. I guess that just means LIFE is hard! 😂

As the Buddha said, "All of life is suffering." 

And friendships make life worth living.

I hope you enjoyed this free coaching session. 😄 If you want to work together 1-on-1 to create a plan to tackle whatever has been getting in the way of creating the friendships you wish for, reach out to book a Coaching & Strategy session. We'll work together to sort through what's really going on under the surface, and you'll walk away with an action plan to start creating stronger friendships right away. 💛

*This post was originally shared in the We Should Get Together newsletter from me, Kat Vellos. Subscribe below.