Instead of Pruning Friends, Try This
Did you prune your social circle during the pandemic? “Pruning” is a term that's been used a lot over the last couple of years to describe the intentional shrinking of people's social lives during the pandemic. If you feel like you’ve been losing friendships, or you’ve been purposely taking a break from reaching out to as many friends, some would say that you’ve been pruning friends. My problem with this is that the word pruning indicates a purposeful lopping-off. And what’s cut doesn’t usually grow back.
I think something different is actually going on here, and it would benefit from different language. During the pandemic, a lot of people’s social skills shrank, and now that they’re getting out more, they A) feel awkward socializing and B) get tired a lot faster. That’s normal! You’re out of practice. That doesn’t mean you need to prune friendship out of your life.
If socializing feels awkward or hard right now, resist the urge to think that this means you need to prune away the friends that you feel this awkward wobbliness with. It's dicey to make permanent decisions based on a temporary condition. You might just need to take a break from your friend.
I discussed this with Sasha-Ann Simons this week on WBEZ Chicago's NPR show Reset. During our chat, I suggested that listeners try a different metaphor instead: Resting a field. a.k.a. crop rotation.
Just like humans, soil cannot always be in an active or productive state, and this is why we do crop rotations. We rotate what plants we grow in a garden bed or plot of land. This is good for the land and it’s good for the crops. When I got certified as a master gardener, my mentor taught me this mnemonic device to remember what order crops should be planted in a well-balanced rotation: “leaf → root → flower → fruit.” Crop rotation allows the soil to be used and replenished in the most beneficial ways.
How to use a crop rotation metaphor to take a break from a friend
🌿 Which friends encourage you to express your core self (leaf)?
🥕 Which friends support your deepest healing (root)?
🌺 Which friends bring out exciting or playful sides of your personality (flower)?
🍍 Which friends nurture your generative side and your creativity (fruit)?
It might feel like too much to tend to all of those attributes at the same time, so think about which type of friend you need in your life right now. With your limited energy, can you make space for that person in your life, and can you be there for them too?
It’s possible to take a break from a friend without looking like you’re ghosting or making things awkward. And taking a break from a friend doesn’t mean that your friendship is over. It’s just a temporary pause — an acceptance of seasonality in friendship. As you practice focusing on a smaller set of friends temporarily, see if you can think about your other friendships as simply resting right now, as opposed to worrying that those friendships are over. A friendship can be in a resting state for months, or years, even. I’ve had multiple friendships revive after years of rest. (If you need some inspiration and tips for rekindling an old friendship after years apart, read my advice in this Shondaland article.)
In the garden, in between active planting and cultivation, we let the soil rest, sometimes with a cover crop that nourishes the soil. Or, you can just let the field lay fallow. If you’re feeling depleted and exhausted right now, maybe you just need to let your soil rest.
You can use this soil-resting metaphor to explain to your friends why you’re taking a break from reaching out. To ease their anxiety that this is secretly a friend-breakup, let them know that you’ll check back in after any amount of time that you think will work for you, whether that’s a few days, a few weeks, or a few months. Set a reminder in your phone if you think you’ll forget.
Setting Healthy Friendship Boundaries
If you currently DO have capacity to stay in touch and be there for your friends — even while you’re feeling depleted — tell them what you’re up for and what you’re probably not going to do in the near future. Boundaries are most effective when they’re clear. Keep your friends updated as your capacity and energy for more interaction shifts in the future.
You could say:
💕 “I can’t go out to dinner, but I’m here for sleepy Saturday morning phone calls. Can we check back in about face-to-face hangouts after the local surge chills out?”
🙈 “I can’t stand long calls or zooms right now but I can do a 15-min Wednesday night check-in. I find that I don't want to talk a lot about myself right now but I still love hearing your voice and learning about what’s happening in your life.”
😷 “I’m not hanging out indoors right now. And since I live with someone that has a health concern, can we wear masks even when we hang out outside? My top priority is protecting my loved one’s health but I really want to see you IRL too.”
📅 “I can't go on that trip we had been talking about planning but I’d still love to check in regularly via letters, calls, or voice memos. Can we circle back to the conversation about trip-planning after the kids get settled in their school year?”
Sometimes purposeful pruning is necessary. In the garden when a plant is sick, or it needs better shaping, I’ll definitely lop away with my favorite pruning shears in hand. But pruning is forever — a branch that’s cut off is gone for good. Sometimes cutting is overkill. In those situations, it might be a better fit to give my plant some garden stakes, or a companion plant, or I’ll relocate it to another area in the garden as I rotate another plant into its current spot.
Next steps
Try the gentle reframe above with any of your friendships that seem to have faded. Seasonal friendships are real and valid. If you think you need to cut off friends just because you haven’t talked in a while, see if you can mentally relax the idea that your friendships are either dead or alive. Remember that cycles of growth and rest are necessary in all parts of life — in nature and in your friendships too. If your friendships are withering or you think they need to be cut off, see if maybe they just need a season of rest instead.
I hope that this reframe was helpful for you. If you’re going to reach out to your crop-rotation friends and you want some help reinvigorating your conversations with fresh topics, check out my Better Conversations Kit. 🌱 And if you absolutely feel like the only solution is to make some new friends, take a shortcut and source them from the folks you already sorta know, or hop on the waitlist for my platonic matchmaking event.
This post was originally shared with subscribers of the private We Should Get Together newsletter. If you’d like friendship advice, tips, and resources on having healthier friendships in adulthood, subscribe today.
Here’s what subscribers say:
Absolutely loving your newsletter + illustrations. Such a refreshing reframe.
I love this crop rotation metaphor and will use these Qs when I reflect on my friendships.
Hi Kat, thank you so so much for this. I love this metaphor and think it will really help me to evaluate relationships differently.
I love this, Kat!! Thanks for your wisdom as always.
This is a really helpful way to look at the friendships that go dormant at times. I've had many friends who've "disappeared" for a time, a couple for even more than a dozen years, and yet come back to fruitful life in another season of my life.
Thank you for all your newsletters. I always enjoy reading your take on things ---- stretches my mind in good directions.
Thanks for reading and/or subscribing! I’m wishing you a week of plant-iful connection. :)
💚 Kat