Got a fading friendship? Take a lesson from this unusual flower
Do you know the feeling of losing all self control when passing a rack of beautiful plants for sale at the hardware store, plant nursery, Target, supermarket, and basically everywhere that plant dealers hit you up for a fix? Me too. A while back, I hopped over to the hardware store to grab a few hooks I needed to hang some lights, and I was ready to empty my wallet when I saw a rack of blooming fuchsia cyclamen for sale out front.
Cyclamen’s anti-gravity upside down heart-shaped blooms enchant me and always make me think about the phoenix rising upwards from the ash, or butterflies frozen in mid-flutter. It’s been years since I’ve had one in my plant collection, so somehow a couple pots managed to end up at the checkout stand with my assorted brass hooks for my lighting project.
Over the next several weeks, the cyclamen did… ok. Like most new plants — and most new friendships — they bloomed a lot at the very beginning. But then, like a lot of friendships in adulthood, they started fizzling out. There were fewer blooms as the days and weeks went on. And the foliage started dying back. At first I got stressed out and started mentally running down a list of all the things I might be doing wrong. Was I giving it too much light, or too little? Too much water, or not enough? Should I fertilize or leave it alone? No amount of self-reflection, self-blame, or heroic action could revive these babies. I had to accept that that Bloom Time was mysteriously gone. But it wasn’t time to chuck it in the compost pile either — because this fading beauty wasn’t really dying.
You see, cyclamen — like many plants and many friendships — go through a dormancy cycle. Contrary to what we expect from flowering plants, cyclamen doesn’t bloom and flourish in the summer when we usually see our plants bursting into action. Cyclamen prefers the cold, crisp months of fall, winter, and chilly spring. Like a stubborn Taurus buried under a down blanket, once it enters dormancy no amount of prodding will bring it out. To take care of a cyclamen, you have to accept that once it enters dormancy, taking action is futile. Overwatering cyclamen during the dormant time can overwhelm it and rot the delicate tuber sleeping underneath.
The trick is to stick it in a cool, dark area and ignore it for an entire season. As a careful gardener, this made me deeply uncomfortable but I had to do it. A shady neglected corner of the yard was a perfect resting place for the sleeping cyclamen tubers — and all my hopes and dreams for future blooms. (Side note: If you’re growing cyclamen indoors, then once it enters dormancy move it to a dark non-drafty corner in total shade.)
During the summer months, I turned my attention to my sun-drinking, heat-lovers: my collection of chubby succulents, my dwarf Meyer lemon tree, and all manner of pink and magenta cosmos flowers. Whenever I’d pass by my sleeping cyclamen, I quietly wished it well in its slumber, and every once in a blue moon, I’d splash a little water on it to keep the soil from solidifying into a hydrophobic chunk of death.
When the summer air gave way to the chill of impending fall, and Halloween decorations started popping up all over the neighborhood, guess who came spiraling out in her full, magenta glory? 👑 Queen Cyclamen. 🌺 Back in action! I set her back up in a bright but still-in-the-shade area, and we’re back to enjoying each other’s company again.
What this unusual flower wants you to know about friendship
Too often, we expect our friendship to be in a state of perpetual blooming. Especially if things started off strong, with lots of energy, frequent hangouts, bubbling conversation, mutual excitement, and making lots of shared memories — the kinds of things that qualify as the blossoms of friendship. But since life is busy and unpredictable, that pace of friendship blooming can’t always be maintained. Friendships fade — but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be revived later on.
What not to do when your friendship goes quiet
When our hangouts become less frequent, or the energy we’re getting from a friend seems to be fading, we freak out. We wonder what we did wrong. We question if we said or did the wrong thing. We worry. We replay all of our past interactions, looking for clues, something we can latch onto as the cause or blame of the space we’re feeling between us and our friend. We ask ourselves and we ask google: Why is my friend ignoring me? Is my friend mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Do they still want to be friends? Is my friend dumping me? Should I dump my friend?
Try not to freak out. Most of the time, it’s not about you.
Check in with your friends if you sense they need space
If you get a hunch that your friend might need some space, or that your friendship is entering a period of dormancy: First, relax. As I’ve written about before, resist the urge to prune your friendship altogether. Chopping down your plant and tossing it in the compost is overkill. There’s no need to go all Terminator-style.
Have a gentle check-in with your friend to see how they’re feeling about your current closeness and frequency of contact. Learn about what they need and hope for. And share your hopes, needs, and preferences too. If you agree that you both need a season of dormancy, chat about how you’d like to interact or not interact during your time apart. Consider putting a reunion date on the calendar for a few months out, so you have something to look forward to — it’ll provide reassurance that your friendship won’t be asleep forever.
If you don’t get to (or don’t want to) have a conversation like this — my cyclamen certainly wasn’t telling me what was up — just quietly accept the break, knowing that you can always attempt to revive the friendship later.
During your time apart, turn your attention to the other friendships that are your mainstays or perhaps some new additions that are growing in your life.
Who are your succulents, those low-maintenance friends with a no-pressure approach to life who are ready to hang whenever you are?
Who are the Meyer lemons that bring a sweet zing to your life?
Who are the pinky cosmos flowers that reward your watering with unlimited pops of color that lift your mood?
This is the time to give them some of your water and attention.
How to revive your old friendship
When it’s time to bring “your cyclamen friendship” out of dormancy, don’t hold back. When cyclamen is ready to re-enter the world, these brave and bold stems reach straight up out of their green crown of leaves, their fuschia petals twirling towards the sky like cuts of satin ribbon. This is how to approach reviving a sleeping friendship.
Be clear and direct with your vibrant, loving intentions to bring your friendship back to full vitality. A few examples:
Hey Kai ~ I’ve missed your having your bright shining light in my life and would love to reconnect with you. The last several months have held so many changes for me, as I’m sure they have for you as well. Are you open to a phone call or walk sometime in the next couple of weeks?
Hey Dorie! Blast from the past, amirite!? Even though we haven’t talked in years, I want you to know that you cross my mind often, and no amount of time will fade the fondness that I feel about the friendship we shared in college. I’d love to add another chapter to the story of our friendship if you’re up for reconnecting in this new phase of our lives. Here’s my new phone number. Drop me a text if you’d like to chat one day soon. :)
When you’re together or in conversation again, be expressive with your words and actions to show your appreciation for having your friend’s presence back in your life. Let them know how much it means to you that you’re reunited. For more guidance on this, read my full interview in Shondaland about rekindling old friendships even after years apart.
If you feel anxious about reaching out because you’re worried that your friend doesn’t want to hear from you, tell those thoughts to take a chill pill. According to research published by the American Psychological Association, we consistently underestimate how surprised, happy, and grateful our friends will feel when we reach out to them. Make it exciting for you both by leaning into the surprise element. One of the study’s authors, Peggy J Liu, said, “We found that people receiving the communication placed greater focus than those initiating the communication on the surprise element, and this heightened focus on surprise was associated with higher appreciation.”
🌺 Remember the cyclamen. And hold onto these lessons for the next time this or another one of your friendships goes into a period of dormancy. We all need sleep and rest, and time to revel in quiet solitude. Let that break be a time of peaceful trust that what you had was real, and embrace the day when it’s time to bloom again.
✍🏽 Journal Prompts
Have you been in a similar situation before as you tried to navigate a friendship that went quiet? How did you handle it?
Have you ever been the friend that needed to pull back and go dormant for a while? What would have really supported you during that time?