Do you need a bond…or a bridge?
If you've found yourself wishing for friendship, a good question that can help you figure out your next step is “Do I need a bond or a bridge?”
I first read Robert Putman's book Bowling Alone in 2001, the year after I graduated college, and considered it as important, if not more important, than everything I'd learned in school. As I studied and committed to its teachings (and those of similar books on my shelf in those days), it helped shape my priorities for community, friendship, civic engagement, and community building in all the years that followed.
In Bowling Alone, Putnam emphasized two kinds of social capital: bonding and bridging. (There's a couple other kinds too, but bridging and bonding on the two biggies.)
Bonding Social Capital
If you feel lonely because it doesn't feel like anyone understands you, you may be craving BONDING social capital. For example, one of my Platonic Action Lab members who's queer recently expressed their wish to have more queer friends because it feels like they live in an ocean of straightness and they don't have any sense of community or camaraderie for this important part of their identity.
If you've ever felt similarly, you were probably craving BONDING social capital, which comes via your connections with people who are similar to you. In bonding connections, it's easier to feel at ease, to feel understood, and to support each other. I believe this is the first step in healing the loneliness epidemic — helping people feel less like tiny little islands floating alone in a vast ocean.
Bridging Social Capital
Conversely, If it feels like you live in an echo chamber of people who are just like you, and you're craving more variety and diversity, you may be wishing for bridging social capital.
When an attendee at one of my recent keynotes came up to me afterward to say how much she wishes for friends who are different from her because her existing friends are the same as her in age, race/ethnicity, class, religion, politics, and personality, what she was expressing was a deep craving for BRIDGING social capital.
In a bridging social capital experience, you’ll experience nuanced depth, safe learning, and a refreshing sense of variety — these all come when you form healthy connections with people who are meaningfully different from you. Bridging builds trust and deepens empathy. We need more of this to heal polarization in our society.
Both types of social capital function to bring people together, and we truly need both types in a balanced and healthy society. This is why I do what I do. :)
You can have it all
When you join my newsletter, come to my events, and join my group programs, you’ll meet other like-hearted people who value friendship, authentic connection, and community. Since that’s the basis of my work and my platform, that’s who’s drawn to me. So, by joining in, you’ll automatically get a chance to meet new people like that at my gatherings.
Aaaaaannnnnddd reality check: Even while the people in my community share those values, there’s still a pretty wide amount of variance in the kind of people who join my community. There are people from all walks of life, ages, ethnicities, and even political affiliations. If you want the chance to meet and mingle in a respectful space with people who are similar to you, but also people who are potentially meaningfully different from you, then being a part of the We Should Get Together community could be a surprising and positive experience for you.
As much as I love getting people together who share my values of friendship and community, it’s never been my intention to create an echo chamber. (And here’s why I walk away from that kind of thing.) I want you to be able to access both bonding and bridging social capital when you participate in my gatherings and community offerings.
❤️ We need friends who are similar to us to help us feel less alone.
❤️ And we need friends who are different from us to make the world feel more safe.
Come sit at our table. There’s plenty of room for you.
XO,
Kat Vellos
Author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships
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