For many, the idea of chosen family seems like a sparkling illusion, a mythical dimension hiding behind a secret portal inside Friendship Land. They imagine stepping through that mystical gateway and being whisked away to a Chosen Family Utopia — a wonderland of reliably positive, uplifting, accepting relationships. A honeyed vortex of ongoing love, support, and connection. 

It’s friendship on steroids, turned up to 11. 

Friendship covered in glitter and cemented in concrete. 

At the end of Pride Month this year (June 2023), I decided to do a deep dive on this pinnacle of friendship known as chosen family. I’m queerAF 🏳️‍🌈 and have personally experienced the beauty and joy of having people in my life who are chosen family to me. Since the term chosen family is heavily associated with the queer community, I went to the experts — I interviewed about a dozen fellow queer and trans folks, many of whom have thriving, long-term, chosen families. Yes, even while juggling the same challenges as everyone else: busy lives, hectic jobs, adulting responsibilities, online distractions, and discriminatory institutions that don’t always have our best interests at heart.

I asked them:

• What does chosen family mean to you?

• How did you find or create your chosen family?

• What works and doesn’t work when creating chosen family?

• What’s advice would you give to people who want to develop chosen family relationships too?
  

And I used the word “experts” above on purpose because, for many queer folks, friendship is not just for funsies — it’s a matter of survival. As queer and trans folks, we live in a world where we’re not always accepted, and where people actively assault and murder us, simply for being who we are. One person I interviewed for this piece, Jordan, said, “I came of age as a queer person in the 90s and worked at one of the first HIV clinics in the entire country. So much of the legacy around chosen family and queerness was related to survival. We kept each other alive or we buried each other,” and that sentiment and priority were echoed in the community of men that Jordan worked with and served at the clinic. 

When you create connection because you need it for survival, you take it a lot more seriously.

Why do we take this so seriously?

For many queer and trans folks, chosen family provides a loving and supportive acceptance that they didn’t get at home. A whopping 57% of trans folks experience some level of rejection in their birth families. And while LGBTQ+ queer young people only represent 7% of the U.S.’s youth population, they represent 40% of the youth homeless population. For many queer and trans folks, their biological family is the source of their first and biggest betrayal — it’s the place where they learned that family is a choice, because their families stopped choosing them.

So it’s pretty plain to understand why chosen family has played such a vital role in queer culture. For many queers, chosen family is the only route to the most potent and true experience of belonging, whole-hearted acceptance, genuine care, and unconditional love. As one interviewee, Chaya, told me, “The people I choose are far more important to me than the people I inherited or who inherited me.”

To be fair…

Not every queer person seeks chosen family because there’s a problem in their biological family. One person I interviewed, Clarissa, said, “I have a good relationship with my family of origin. [My chosen family] is this beautiful add-on. It wasn't because I didn't have it that I went looking for it, but I did want something different.”

Another interviewee, Levi, said, “Even though I didn't have that fear of getting kicked out, my family of origin will not understand [me] in the same way. There’s a very deep cultural component to finding your chosen family as a queer person that you cannot get from your family of origin, unless your family of origin is, like, super concentrated with queers.”

Even though Levi didn’t face ostracism in their family of origin, they aim to show up as a chosen family member to other queer folks because they know that rejection and abandonment are a reality for many. Levi volunteers actively to support queer and trans folks, noting, “We take care of our own when everybody else turns their back on us.” 

But unfortunately, not everyone gets it

Not all queer folks find their chosen family. As Rachel Charnel reported in her BitchMedia article "What happens to queer people who don't have a chosen family?”, many queer folks never get to experience a chosen-family-esque relationship, leaving them vulnerable to a highly nuanced level of loneliness, where they don’t feel accepted by their biological relatives, and never get to supplement that disconnection with loving surrogates either.  

As one interviewee told me, “I don’t have that core group of people that I can depend on. Sometimes I’ve felt bad, like am I not looking in the right places? Maybe my chosen family is just, like, me.” As with all the difficulties of adult friendship, I’d like to encourage anyone who struggles with this to know that it’s not your fault if this has been difficult.

One interviewee, Jordan, echoed this when they said, “It doesn't mean that you've failed as a queer person if you haven't been able to build [chosen family] with all the complexities of making different choices than your queer friends, or moving, or just the baseline hardness of being an adult trying to make friends and then trying to build community and family with those people.”

All are welcome here

If you want chosen family and aren’t queer, don’t feel left out or like you’re not allowed to aim for it. Queer folks like me and the people I interviewed, whom you’ll hear more from below, want you to know that anyone, anywhere, is allowed and encouraged to create chosen family relationships. The practice has been embraced by many other groups, like veterans, sober communities, and abuse survivors. And it’s not rare at all. I mean, hello??? — have you ever heard of a marriage? It’s our society’s most popular form of chosen family. But unlike the other formats of chosen family, marriage isn’t met with skepticism or confusion. (It also comes with tax breaks and lavish parties.)

I know that we queer folk are not the only ones who want and need chosen family. Many of the cisgender straight folks in my reader community have expressed their desire to experience friendships that evolve to this deeper level of connection. Many have told me directly that they want it, but they don’t know how to make it happen when it already feels hard enough to just make “regular” friends. Well, my dear, that’s exactly why I made this post for you.

A wee disclaimer

Before we begin, I want to say that this post shouldn’t be taken as any sort of firm, chiseled-in-stone dogma. This isn’t the only way to make or maintain chosen family relationships. This is simply a collection of lessons about the actions, behaviors, choices, and practices that have been especially successful for the folks whose stories are represented and excerpted below. I hope that what you read here is inspiring, instructional, and useful to you, however you choose to make use of this information. Also: All people and stories are presented anonymously; names and identifying details have been changed to protect interviewees’ privacy.

If you want to discuss more about the topic of chosen family and participate in any future discussion groups or workshops on this topic, go ahead and send me a message on the Contact Form. There’s no commitment to come to anything, I just want to get a sense of how many people are interested in digging into this topic deeper. If there’s enough interest, I’ll put something together. 

Big appreciative hugs and gratitude

I’m sending massive hugs and baskets of appreciation to everyone who participated in my listening sessions to share their stories. It was an honor to have these conversations with you. I wish you and everyone reading a lifetime full of love, safety, and connections that lift you up. We can’t choose who we are, but we can choose who we have around us. 💐

All right, let's dig in.

Lessons About Chosen Family: Wisdom from Queers In The Know

I spent many hours in qualitative interviews (a.k.a. listening sessions) with a truly wonderful collection of human beings to gather the insights you’ll read below. Five big themes came up again and again, as patterns of Things That Worked Really Well for establishing and maintaining chosen family. Those themes were:

• Take a big leap: Be vulnerable and take big steps together

• Give big: Practice radical generosity and reciprocal support

• Keep an open mind: Invent and create new ways of relating

• Make it official: Clarify your commitment

• Accept imperfection: Face the challenges of chosen family

• …and a bonus: Final tips and takeaways

  
  

If you’re looking for a cheat sheet, this is it. But as you’ll discover below, there are no shortcuts.

1. Take a big leap: Be vulnerable and take big steps together

When thinking back on the moment when her friendship shifted from “just friends” to the chosen family territory, Clarissa recalls big feelings and a vacuum. At the time, Clarissa and Maya had known each other for five years and Clarissa was going through a really rough emotional situation. She called Maya for a lifeline — “I ​​was really vulnerable and reached out and was like, hey, I'm having a lot of feelings. I don't really know how to talk about them, but I really don't wanna be alone. Can I come over?” Maya said yes, absolutely, she could be there for Clarissa, as long as Clarissa could come with her on the way to pick up a vacuum at Target. And from that moment forward, their lives took on a deeper level of closeness. Their willingness to be emotionally vulnerable with each other while also sharing the mundane moments of daily life, is what brought them closer. “That was the moment where it turned from friends into more than just friends. It was that moment of real vulnerability, and, like, I just need you. I don't need you to do anything specific. I just need you to be there.”

A little while later, things went to the next level. Maya said she wanted to have a baby on her own. Clarissa connected Maya with someone who would later become Maya’s sperm donor. And a little while after that, “I was losing my housing, and Maya was pregnant, and we were, like, maybe we should live together? We looked at lots of options, and then we moved in together in March of 2020. I think because of the pandemic, we ended up becoming much more of a family unit than we maybe expected to be, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve been a single person for most of my adulthood, not entirely by choice. And my best friend Maya is asexual and aromantic, but she wanted to be a mom more than anything else. And it turns out that our little family is exactly what everybody needed.”

Clarissa and Maya’s ten-year relationship is purely platonic and strangely hard to explain to those around them. “I never know how to talk about it because the relationship feels like family. It is not romantic, but we are life partners in the sense that we cook dinner together, and clean the house together, and do mortgage payments together, and we have a childcare schedule. We are platonic life partners. As a shorthand, I sometimes talk about her as my sister, but then it gets complicated because people [assume that we] grew up together. No, but we've known each other our whole adult life. I want to date, and I want to date monogamously, and I need people to know that I'm living with my sister and not my partner.”

It takes a lot to reach out and ask for a friend for help, but asking for support — with anything from compassionate presence, to doing errands together, to being the chromosomal contribution for a new life — is exactly what it can transform a surfacey, formal-feeling friendship into a de-formalized bond that feels a lot more real. If you’ve ever struggled to ask for help, just remember that every time you have the courage to open up, you’re creating the conditions for something more robust to grow. And remember that when your friends vulnerably open up to you too.

2. Give big: Practice radical generosity and reciprocal support

One of the biggest themes running through my interviews was that of radical generosity. It was present in almost all the stories of people who were experiencing thriving chosen family connections.  Two folks, Sean and Quinn, had some of the most moving stories about chosen family — and they also happen to be devotees of practicing radical generosity. 

Sean and one of his chosen family folk, Nia, have been friends since childhood, and they even went to their prom together as two queers passing as a straight couple. Their dedication has spanned decades and years where they lived in different parts of the country, sometimes in the same city, and are even building a business together. Once, when Nia was having trouble paying her mortgage, Sean stepped up. He’d just sold a house and was feeling flush, so he offered Nia $10k as an interest-free loan to cover her mortgage payments for a while so she wouldn’t have to stress about housing. She later paid the money back, but this gift was one of many trust-building moments of radical sharing and abundant generosity in their long-lasting friendship. Their mindset towards resources looks like: what I have, you have too, and we will mutually support each other on this journey of life. Theirs is a dedication that has been growing for 30+ years and shows no signs of slowing down.

Quinn’s huge and robust chosen family, on the other hand, is made up of people they’ve known for years, as well as people they’ve only recently met — “I’m always looking to meet very kind, wonderful people. That's one of the greatest joys in life.” They see their chosen family as a continually evolving experience where the door is always open to new people. “It's been a very long process. I left home when I was fourteen, and I didn't have a supportive family environment. It was very challenging for a really long time. And I kept trying to build that family group over and over.” In time, they eventually got it working. “This is a 10-year project. This isn't something that happened in three years.”  

While many people stress out over mixing their groups of friends together at a single dinner party, Quinn went in the opposite direction and put all of their chosen family people on a Whatsapp chat together. "If I'm gonna be close friends with someone, then I should know the people they know and they should know people I know. … I try to make sure everybody's cousins. … Don't be afraid to impose on people a little bit and try to include people who maybe otherwise might not be included.” 

Quinn’s collective WhatsApp thread has been going for years even though many folks have never actually met in person — but they all have Quinn in common. “I love to introduce people to people so they all know each other too.” And the bonds are real. When one person who was afraid of flying needed to take a cross-country flight, another person on the chat offered to fly with them just so they wouldn’t have to go alone. They’d never even met in person before! The person who offered to be a fly-buddy just figured out a way to make a trip fit with their other goals so they could line up with the trip’s timeframe.

In addition to generously sharing their people with each other, Quinn also credits their success with cultivating chosen family to their habit of unlearning colonialism and being radically generous in as many ways as possible. “I’m very generous with my time and [resources]. Like, I've sent people money for new computers or doctor’s visits. There's a lot of goodwill and a lot of trust.” And the reciprocal acts of generosity flow back out in all directions among the people they know and share.

You don’t need to have thousands of dollars or dozens of friends to start building your generosity-n-support muscles. Just start with one friend, and one small action. Make the call, show up with the food. Go beyond saying, “Let me know what I can do to support” and just go ahead and do something supportive. 

Sean’s and Quinn’s stories of generosity are rooted in the trust that their friendships are going to last another season. They understand that the well-being of their favorite people is directly tied to their own well-being, and so giving feels less like a taking and more like fertilizing the garden they all share and are going to harvest from.

3. Keep an open mind: Invent and create new ways of relating

A recent poll by yougov.com found that on average, only 31-37% of Americans would want to stay friends with their exes. But for multiple people I interviewed, staying friends with exes was a surprising factor in their success at creating chosen family. 

For Sage, staying friends with exes, and even your exes’ exes, is the secret sauce. Jokingly, Sage said, “[To build chosen family,] sleep with a lot of people in your twenties, and then hang out with all of the friends around them. That’s what actually happened for me [laughter].” It worked for her in the past, and then she hung onto those friendships over the next decade or two. While most people break up and then cut their exes out of their lives, for Sage and her friends, and her exes, and everyone’s friends and exes, they continued to see each other as valuable people worth knowing and were willing to commit to each other in new ways once the romance died out.

Sage and the majority of her closest friends experienced rifts in their bio families which played a huge part in why they prioritized making and keeping their chosen family connections. “I don't have a relationship with parents, [and I] sort of recruited myself substitute parents. My closest friends are family to me. And about two-thirds of them also have either had challenging, complicated relationships with their birth parents or they’ve had some experience of estrangement. I also have a toddler and I imagine what I want her life to look like. I really want people in her life who she loves, and who love her. I want my chosen family to be her people too.” Allowing your friends to be aunties and uncles to your kids is a fabulous way to put more love in your kids’ lives, and to set up the next generation to understand and value chosen family too.

Keeping an open mind about what a person can mean to her, and how else they can stay in her life after dating means that Sage gets to hold onto all these people that she has found special over time. This experience was echoed by numerous people I interviewed. Their main takeaway was: Definitely don’t hang onto folks who mistreat you, or who brought tons of negativity to your life, but if you liked each other and still think of each other as decent humans, maybe stay friends and keep sharing life for a while.

And while of course, it’s ideal when you all live near each other, it’s not a requirement. Quinn’s chosen family (the ones with the mega Whatsapp thread) is spread out all over the country. And for Lennox, an introverted, gender-expansive 40-something with strong chosen family ties, having their people distributed around the country and around the world is a special benefit. “I don't mind that they're far away. That just creates homes in other places for me where I’m welcome and can stay a while.”

Lennox continued, describing how they keep an open mind even when their friends disappoint them or don’t always feel like a perfect match. “I’m choosing to see the good in the relationship, rather than focusing on, like, ‘I texted them, and they didn't text me back. They're too busy or something.’ You could look at a situation that way or you could look at the positive. Try to be more in the space of assuming good intent and assuming that a connection is possible, rather than dismissing people quickly because they're not available when [you’re] available.” Lennox lives in a small town where a lot of people moved in and out during the pandemic, so they find themselves in a situation of needing to make new local connections from a small collection of people. Rather than be frustrated by the limited selection of locals, Lennox says, “On the surface, we may not have common interests, but I can allow myself to see what happens.”

For Chaya, a 60-something with fond memories of an everchanging cohabitating queer community in the early 1980s, keeping an open mind nowadays looks like working with her partner to create space at their home for someone else to move in. They want to create a blended life together with other folks as they age in place in Southern California. “We'd like to live with someone that is with us, not just a tenant that’s like, ‘don't bother me’… We're both looking for and really interested in more multigenerational connections … where we’re in each other's lives in a primary way.”

And when it comes to inventing new ways of relating, embrace your power to create a type of relationship that feels right to you, even if you haven’t seen it done before and there isn’t a simple way to explain it to people on the outside. Clarissa and Maya love their committed sisterly relationship — a configuration that was once referred to as a Boston Marriage in the 1700s and 1800s. But Clarissa still chafes at the difficulty of explaining this type of commitment to people nowadays who don’t get it. “As with everything about being a queer person, we make up our own ways of being, and that is so free and so wonderful… and so exhausting because I just kinda want a word [for what this is.]” Maybe it’s time we put Boston Marriage back into modern vernacular, and come up with some new names for the types of connections we love, cherish, and that are very much as real as the few existing relationship structures that have proven themselves to be far too limiting.

4. Make it official: Clarify your commitment

Kai, a queer-questioning 30-something, has the magic power of being soft-spoken and bravely bold at the same time. When it comes to seeking out chosen family, she unapologetically lays it on the line when searching for connection on friendship apps like BumbleBFF.

After reading the book Big Friendship, she realized that she wanted to invest in creating chosen family on the West Coast since all her bio family is on the East Coast and she’s not moving back. So she got serious in her search, the way people do when they’re looking for someone to settle down with romantically.

“Oftentimes we don't vocalize our expectations and commitments [with] friends. We’ll say, ‘I commit to you’ to a romantic partner, but we don't do that with a friend. Why not? I need to know that the other person is willing and capable of that level of commitment that I'm seeking from them. Within the first or second conversation with a new friend, I'm like, ‘Yep, I’m looking for chosen family, and here's why I'm looking for a chosen family.’ That gives me a sense of what their perspective and philosophy on friendship is. Do they see friends as just people to hang out with and go through the good times together, or are they open to the idea that we can lean on each other when one of us is sick or [going through] more difficult stuff? So I started doing that from the get-go.” This might sound outrageous, but Kai says it’s working for her, especially with folks who are also in their mid-30s or older.

Kai’s kind of bold, upfront approach isn’t the only way to seek or develop chosen family relationships, though. Many interviewees said that the deepening of their relationships happened more gradually over time. The chosen-family-ness of their connection was something they observed emerging as the years passed by and their connection just got closer and closer. But even in those situations where the closeness of the relationship is something that emerged, the majority of folks still said that some kind of relationship-affirming conversation took place: a conversation where you tell the other person what they mean to you, and how significant your connection feels, and you invite them to share how they feel too. This kind of clarification ensures that no one has to guess how much they’re loved and how much they matter.

When it comes to making things official in the legal sense, things can get pretty serious, as I found out when I talked to Jordan (who you met in the introduction at the very beginning). One of Jordan’s friends was estranged from her family and asked Jordan to be her mental health care proxy. Jordan agreed. Later, when that friend needed some inpatient care, the friend’s estranged parents showed up and overturned the proxy. “It was a traumatic horrible experience for her, but it gave me this [realization] that although we have this vision of chosen family, we also simultaneously exist within a system that really privileges biological relationships, or married legal relationships.” Creating advanced directives and making our healthcare wishes known is vital, and if you want those wishes to be honored, it might be wise to seek out extra legal protections for yourself. 

Even before you get to that serious “I want you to take me off — or keep me on — life support” level, Jordan strongly believes that in order for chosen family to be true and real, there must be an intentional conversation about it. “We have to have an understanding of how we both intend to support each other, so we don't miss each other's expectations. … I'm someone who often offers support. I wanna be intentional about not overreaching. And if I've offered support in the past, I don't want someone to depend on me when I think our relationship has changed, because that can be really destructive.” So it’s important to confirm what you both think the relationship is once it starts getting serious, and then keep having check-ins periodically to find out if you’re still on the same page.

5. Accept imperfection: Face the challenges of chosen family

An important word of caution: If the family you came from was abusive or unhealthy, then it’s important to evaluate whether your idea of family, and what you consider “familial,” needs healing or updating before you go trying to create chosen family with new people, otherwise you might simply recreate unhealthy patterns.

This came up in a few conversations, including my talk with a thoughtful and contemplative nonbinary 20-something named Parker. They acknowledged the importance of healing their own familial trauma wounds, and redefining what they want the word “family” to mean to them, before attempting to create chosen family relationships with anyone else. “It’s really alluring to be around my age, in your early twenties, and to go about constructing a chosen family really quickly and with people who click really fast. That click is really wonderful and it's magical and cosmic — and there's an entire relationship underneath that doesn't feel quite so magical, and the only way to tell if it's going to work is by being with that relationship through time. Attaching a familial kind of identity onto somebody … before you have given yourself the opportunity to really experience what that feels like in a secure, sustainable way, I think can be re-traumatizing. I don't think that should deter people from being close to people and developing closeness with people. I’m a fairly cautious person so this is definitely my bias shining through. … In so many queer circles, there's a lot of unfortunate associations with ‘family.’ And I would like to see people taking the time to understand what their relationship to ‘family’ is before building something so that [it] really feels right. That way, they don't re-traumatize themselves again.”

And the fact is, even if you take it slow and are super careful, that doesn’t always mean that things will work out perfectly. To risk creating profound and beautiful intimacy also means facing the risk of being crushed and disappointed every now and then.

While things often go wonderfully, the relationally-adventurous Quinn admits that sometimes their attempts at creating chosen family relationships don’t work out, noting, “You have to be willing to kinda get wrecked from time to time. It's gonna happen. … Sometimes people experience reactive abuse, where they've been abused and so they carry that relationality to their other relationships. It's especially [something to be aware of] for our community because there is so much trauma. … And, hopefully, you've built your own support up enough that when it does happen, you have people who are there for you and can help you get through it and can help you emotionally recover. That's really important.”

Once you make the decision to go for it, though, let yourself fully unfold into the experience. You can’t learn to swim while you’re sitting on the shore. “Connection happens in connection,” said Parker.

Once you’ve given your therapist a sizable chunk of change working to heal your old wounds, and you’re certain that you’re ready for building healthy chosen family connections — I got news for ya. There might be more challenges on the way. Especially if you’ve been brilliantly innovative in designing new relationship structures.

Some of the challenges getting flung your way will come from the outside world when your most precious committed relationship isn’t understood or respected by the world and systems that surround you. Clarissa shed tears while explaining her frustration with the fact that her commitment to Maya matters less than other types of committed relationships — in a way that negatively affects their collective health and wellbeing. She said, “None of our institutions are set up for this. [For example,] Maya’s looking at having a second kid, and I was looking at whether I could get family-leave time off of work to help with the baby. And, no, I can't, because we're not legally related. That sucks. Because this is a person that I care about more than almost anybody else. We live together. We are raising these children together. And my only option is unpaid time off from my job. It’s more effort and more work, just because it doesn't look traditional. But this is a loving, careful, thought-through household that should be recognized as family.” 

Until the policies that govern your world — coming at you from your workplace, city, state, and federal government — change, be prepared to plan ahead for navigating bureaucracies that were never designed with your thriving in mind.

Bonus: Closing words of advice for making and nurturing chosen family relationships

There were so many beautiful stories and words of wisdom that didn’t find a place in this finished piece, mostly in the name of brevity and utility. So, in closing, I’d like to leave you with a few nutshells of extra advice that several of our chosen family experts generously offered to you, dear reader. If you wish for chosen family, and are willing to climb the long hill (while focusing on the cake), then add these final words to your plan of action.

Make connecting easier on yourself

To give yourself the best possible chance of making connections that might one day become close friendships or chosen family relationships, put yourself in gatherings and spaces where you’ll be with a bunch of people that you have something significant in common with. Lennox did this recently by going to a yoga retreat specifically for queer and trans people. “It was super transformative. Because I live in a rural area, I often feel alone because there aren't that many people like me near me. [Being on this retreat] was a beautiful reminder of what could exist, and what could be, and how many other people are wanting that connection.”

Start small

Social media can make it seem like connection is only worthy if it comes in something the size of a semi-truck. “That seems like a lot of people,” said Imani, who’s still on the journey of creating chosen family feelings. “Sometimes I assume that when people say ‘chosen family’ or ‘community’ that they're talking about lots of people. But I really only need one or two, y’know, and that's good enough.” Like Imani, be clear with yourself about your goals. Focus on creating solid connections with one or two people to start with, remembering that these kinds of relationships can take a while to get truly close.

Stay in touch

Sage’s advice for ensuring that your chosen family friendships stay strong: Stay in regular contact, according to a rhythm that works well for you and your people. For Sage, that timeframe is three weeks — she never lets an entire month lapse without connecting with her most treasured people.

De-formalize food sharing and hangouts

“With this one newer friend, I just show up at her door [with a bowl of food], like ‘Hi, I made this. Someone needs to finish eating it and it's gonna be you.’” That friend will often stress about putting something in the bowl before returning it, or feeling like it’s mandatory to bring over a gift or some food when she comes to hang out with Sage. “I know it hurts your soul, but you don't really need to put something back in the bowl or bring anything with you. Just come over.”

Respect your boundaries

Despite Quinn’s radical openness, they don’t identify as an extrovert. They confessed that they have an auto-immune condition and chronic illness, so they actually have to work hard to protect their peace and rest. “If I have a Zoom call that goes more than 40 minutes, I'm done for the day.” They limit themself to three hours of sound a day, and no more than three zooms in a week. Figure out what your boundaries need to be for you to stay healthy and well, and work around whatever those limitations are. You don’t have to be an extrovert or be on devices 24/7, to cultivate your garden of chosen family.

Allow permanence to emerge instead of chasing it

If you’ve been holding yourself back from taking big leaps in your friendships because you’re not sure if the friendship will last, try to let go of that future-obsessed worrying that’s robbing you of joy today. Clarissa said that a lot of people will skeptically look at her and Maya’s life and say, “Are you sure you made the right decision? How do you know it's long-term??” She quips back, “How does anybody know anything's long-term? That's one of those questions that people only ask when it's something they don't recognize.”

Use your words

Use your words and your knowledge of each other’s Love Languages to express your feelings of commitment and care. Sage noted the increasing levels of expression as her chosen family relationships evolved. “We tell each other that we love each other, especially coming out of the pandemic. We’re a lot more direct about it than we used to be.” 

In closing…

I hope this guide to creating chosen family gave you inspiration, helpful guidance, and support on your own journey of cultivating chosen family, no matter where you are, how you identify, or what life stage you’re at. If this was useful to you, consider sharing it with other people in your community, work, and life. Spark a conversation. Plant the seeds for new connection. And hey, if you want to say thanks, you can buy me a coffee. :) 

To read more on this topic, I recommend grabbing a copy of the book, The Other Significant Others, by my friend and colleague Rhaina Cohen.

May your friendships and chosen family (framily? 😆) give you waterfalls of unwavering love, a dedicated sense of connection, confetti showers of celebratory acceptance, and the foundational warm feeling of belonging — which you very much deserve. 

XO,

Kat Vellos 🏳️‍🌈 ✊🏾

Author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships