Keeping work friends when hybrid work keeps pushing you apart
During the Q&A at a recent connection event I did for a womens employee resource group at a large company, one person asked about how to handle ups and downs in closeness with a colleague.
She explained that she sometimes works closely with a colleague for a while, then their work assignments pull their attention — or even their location — apart for several months. She values her bonds with coworkers, so she wanted to know how to handle this ebb and flow in their interaction and involvement.
The experience she described is relatable for many of us in the world of work — especially those of us who have moved to fully remote or hybrid work. This cycle of together → apart → together → apart shows up in our work friendships and our non-work friendships alike.
But this is not a reason to worry, bbs! These patterns of presence, followed by absence, followed by presence are completely natural — and actually necessary. Continuous unending presence quickly becomes suffocating.
And on the flip side, continuous absence can make a friendship wither or fade away completely. When we trust in the security of our bonds, we can handle time apart confidently, knowing that our past closeness was really real and that future feelings of closeness can happen again.
A secure friendship bond means that:
• Having some space and time apart won't lead you to suspect that your friendship is weak or coming to an end.
• You can handle time apart without being afraid that you're being rejected, or being worried that the other person will think you're rejecting them.
• You can welcome a little friendship break as a refreshing breather the same way you'd welcome fresh air after you open a window.
One action you can take to bolster your friendships during time spent apart is to clearly communicate how much you value the other person despite the distance (which is something we probably all had a chance to practice during the heaviest parts of the pandemic, right?)
So, back to our conversation at the Q&A. I asked her — warmly, and a little cheekily —
“How do you handle the sun's and moon's arrival and departure every day?”
While we love the sun (can't live without ya, baby ☀️😘), it would be devastatingly toasty if our planet's rotation never gave us any respite from the sun’s rays. Taking a break from the sun means that we get gorgeous sunsets and sunrises, we get to see the stars at night, and we get moonlight (which is technically sunlight bouncing off the moon instead of straight onto us).
And can you imagine how hard life would be if the moon peaced out ✌🏾🌛? First off, we wouldn’t be able to see anything at night. Plus, without the stabilizing effect of the moon on the tides and earth's tilt, we'd have to say buhbye to seasons while we add “Hyperspeed Extinction” to our Google Calendars. The cycles of presence and absence are as necessary in our friendships as they are in the natural world.
Remember: A tree is still alive in winter when it has no leaves. Friendships go through summers and winters too. If we never took time apart, we'd never experience the joy of reunion hugs. Cherish your time together, and cultivate a friendship with someone else (or with yourself!) during your time apart.
If you’re stressing out and worried that your work friendships are fizzling out entirely, then take specific action to bolster them. Affirm the strength of your friendship during times when work pulls you in different directions.
Four ways to stay connected to friends at work
1. 💌 Send a snail mail thank you note to your work homie saying what you appreciated during your past times of closeness, and say that you’re looking forward to reconnecting again when the time is right. If you don’t know what to thank them for, here are 28 things to thank a colleague for.
2. 🌹 Invite your work buddy to join you for an end-of-week 15-minute checkout where you each share a rose and a thorn — one thing that’s going well and one thing that’s been a pain. You can do this weekly, biweekly, or monthly depending on what you have bandwidth for.
3. 😂 Periodically ping your work pal with the punchline to an inside joke you share. Keep it brief with a short follow-up: “Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and that I hope you’re doing ok in your corner of this dumpster fire.” Laughing together is proven by research to help us feel closer. So revive your past jokes and humorous stories, and tell each other about the laughable moments of your day while you’re far apart (or falling apart).
4. 🍻 Put a monthly happy hour on both of your calendars, regardless of whether your work projects have you interacting during the day or not. Decide together if you want your happy hour to be a time for talking shop, or if it’s strictly for non-work talk, or if it’s ok to have a mix of the two. I had a standing work friends happy hour like this at past jobs — primarily with friends from different teams — and it was one of the rituals that helped me feel connected, grounded, and sane when work was driving me batty. Since we were all on different teams, it provided each of us with a bit of space from our day-to-day stress, and gave us insights into what life was like in other areas of the company.
Chat with your work friends to ask how they’re feeling, and what kind of touchpoint feels supportive and doable for them. Most importantly, remember that it’s perfectly normal for all friendships — whether at work or out in the wild — to go through phases of closeness and distance. Trust that the strength of your bond can bounce back from some time off. Then enjoy catching each other up when you share those happy reunions.
Dig in deeper
• Read this article about Attachment Styles at Work by The Attachment Project which distributes insights on human attachments with the goal of helping more people feel more secure in their attachments to others.
• If you want to geek out and spend many more hours learning about attachment styles in friendship, check out the book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Marisa G Franco Ph.D.
• To learn about improving friendships across all areas of your life, check out my book, We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships
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This post was originally shared in early 2022 with subscribers of the We Should Get Together newsletter. If you’d like friendship advice, tips, and resources for creating healthier friendships in adulthood, subscribe below. It’s free and you can cancel anytime.
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