Advice Corner: Introverts, Rejection, and Reciprocity
This advice column is a friendly public service by me, Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships. I’m a certified connection coach and have been facilitating community groups for almost twenty years. I regularly speak and lead workshops on the topics of adult friendship and cultivating healthy work teams. If you’d like to work with me, reach out on my booking contact form. If you have a question that you’d like answered in a future blog post or newsletter, instructions are at the bottom of this post.
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How to Make Friends with an Introvert
Q: How can extroverts make friends with introverts? Whenever I take the initiative, I think I’m scaring them away.
A: How thoughtful of you to think about introverts’ feelings as you figure out a path to connection with them. As an introvert myself, I love this question. Here are a few pointers:
1-on-1 conversations or small groups of 3 (4 max) is a happy place for many introverts. We’re much more likely to open up in a gathering of just two or three people.
Ask thoughtful questions. Introverts notoriously hate small talk, so skip the typical questions about what people do for work, “where are you from,” what people studied in college, and other boring demographic questions like that.
Introverts are excellent listeners and are unlikely to interrupt. This means that our voices won’t get heard in conversations where extroverts are noisily hogging up all the airspace. Make sure to ask questions and then patiently wait for your introvert buddy to fully share their reply. If they take a moment of silence to reflect and compose their thoughts, don’t rush to fill that moment of silence. Wait patiently and listen generously, waiting to speak again until you’re sure that they’re done speaking.
Introverts have a vibrant inner landscape. They traverse it frequently through self-reflection, journaling, books, audiobooks, podcasts, and other media that provokes learning and deep thought. Invite them to share about some of the landmarks of their inner world. Ask about what kinds of content they’ve been enjoying lately or the things they’ve been thinking about. I guarantee you, the list is long, but you’ll only get access to it if you demonstrate that you’re a worthy recipient.
Last but not least, resist the urge to revert to talking about yourself after a minute or two of listening. The quickest way to get an introvert to shut down is to act like you’re interested in listening to them, then not following through with generous, patient listening. Introverts are choosy about who they open up to — and there’s nothing wrong with that. Make opening up to you worth it with the depth of your curiosity and your patient, skillful listening.
This is just the beginning! All of the above would work fabulously for an introvert like myself, but keep in mind that all introverts aren’t identical, so your mileage may vary. Feel free to write in again if you have more questions. (And if you’re an introvert who relates to any of the above, let me know. 💜)
Dealing with rejection
Question: Can we talk about rejection?
Answer: We sure can,… aaaand that’s a pretty broad question because there are lots of experiences that someone might categorize as rejection.
Do you mean:
🚶🏻♂️ A new acquaintance is not reciprocating your wish to establish a deeper friendship?
👻 Your friendship is going ok, but then —wham!— they suddenly ghost you?
🍂 An old friend is drifting away, and you feel like your friendship is quietly fizzling out?
💔 Getting into a fight with a friend and hearing them say they don’t want to be friends any more?
🙈 Your friend starts dating someone new, and they totally forget that you exist?
All of these situations can elicit feelings of rejection for very different reasons. Sometimes the reasons for a friendship going cold are confusing and what you think is a “rejection of you” is just circumstance or conflicting priorities. In those situations, try not to take it personally.
Other times, the rejection is Very Clear — if someone says, “never speak to me again,” you know where they stand, and your job is to respect their boundaries. Even though a friend-breakup like this can be heart-wrenchingly painful, the one upside is that it's crystal clear. Clarity is a gift in its own right, and in this situation, rejection is redirection. Turn your attention towards people that want to receive it.
I'd be glad to dig into your situation specifically. But I'd need more context and details to give you a complete answer. Feel free to write back with more info next time. (p.s. This isn't a rejection, it's an invitation. :)
Why Don’t My Friends Reach Out to Me?
Question: Most of the time, it seems like I am the one reaching out to my friends to reconnect or get together. Does this mean that they are not interested in our friendship?
Answer: Resist the urge to make up a story about why your friend isn’t reaching out to you. Maybe they’re not reaching out because:
• They’re spending all their free time practicing for the regional juggling/baking/improv championships.
• They’re feeling overwhelmed and quietly drowning in stress because they don’t know how to ask for help.
• They’re secretly learning conversational French in preparation for expat life and they haven’t told anyone.
• They’re doing night-shift care for a sick family member, so they spend all their extra daytime hours sleeping.
You’re more likely to get an honest answer if you ask them a question instead of guessing at what the reason might be. When you approach the conversation, try to avoid making accusations that will cause them to feel like they did something wrong. Try not to put them on the defensive. Instead, focus on observations of facts, and share your feelings and requests. For example:
Don’t say: “Why don’t you ever ask me to hang out? Do you not want to be friends or something?”
Instead, try: “I really love the time we get to spend together. I noticed that the last three times we hung out, I reached out to you to set it up. It would make my heart so happy if you invited me to get together too. Is that something you’re up for?”
You can even come up with a playful way to let each other know that you’re craving to be on the receiving end of a reach-out. Some ideas: Come up with a secret code that you can send each other that means, “Hey buddy, I’d love for you to reach out sometime soon. ;)” It could be a special emoji, a line from one of your favorite books or movies, or a photo of the two of you together. Whenever the recipient gets it, it’s a gentle nudge for them to reinitiate contact with the sender.
Most importantly, talk to your friend to learn more about what’s happening behind the scenes. They might be struggling with something in their personal life and feeling so overwhelmed that they’re not able to keep in touch with any of their friends (and they’re feeling really guilty about it!) When you go to make a request for more contact or more effort from them, make sure it’s rooted in your appreciation for the good stuff you’ve got and your desire to share more of that together, rather than coming from a place of blame. Most people don’t want to hang out with someone that they think is judgey, blamey, or demanding.
If you’ve tried all of the above and you find yourself repeating “why don’t my friends reach out to me??” week after week, or month after month, then it might be time to make some new friends. If you find yourself in this place, check out my guide to that will help you make a new friend this week, or get on the waitlist for my platonic matchmaking event, Here To Make Friends.
Send in your friendship question
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