How to ask your friend not to bring their kid
When I was researching and writing my book, We Should Get Together The Secret To Cultivating Friendships. I interviewed Levi (name changed for privacy) who is constantly frustrated when their friends with partners or kids bring their partner and/or kid along on the friend hangouts that Levi sets up with their friend. Levi likes their partners well enough but isn’t a fan of kids, and Levi misses the high-quality, focused Friend Time they used to have in the past.
Recently, Levi recently told me about an idea they were going to try out to get quality time with their friends for a very special event: their 40th birthday. Levi wanted to do something BIG for their bday and they knew that it would require extra special coordination to pull it off. It was also going to require a radical act of boundaries.
A radical act of boundaries
Levi’s plan: Inviting a handful of close friends to come on a trip to a tropical vacation beach house over a long weekend. No kids allowed. Partners? Maybe — to determine if a partner was a good fit for this gathering, Levi wrote this Bechdel-style quiz:
*Do they have my number saved in their phone?
*Do we have a 1-on-1 text history?
*Have we ever hung out 1-on-1?
*Have we ever had a conversation about anything other than you?
*Do we ever end conversations with “Love you!”?
“If the answer is generally no, then tell them you’ll send a postcard. (This works out well, since I hear you might need a babysitter, anyway?)”
Levi wanted to make it as easy as possible for their friends to join, so Levi also:
Gave them ample time to find a sitter (six months!)
Offered to help cover the cost of sitters and/or travel expenses for any friends for whom money was an issue
Levi’s actions demonstrate the kind of generous exclusion that Priya Parker talks about in her book The Art of Gathering. In order to preserve the purpose and give the highest-quality experience to the primary group, sometimes that means other folks can’t come. That’s life.
Who takes a kid to a bar anyway?
Just this week, a similar version of this scenario blew up on Reddit’s AITA subreddit. The main person, who we’ll call OP was planning to have their rowdy, sweary, adults-only birthday party at a bar in a private rented room — and even though they’re a parent, they wanted a child-free event. OP’s friend Missy has a rambunctious 5-year-old that doesn’t know how to act right in public. OP said “the kid can’t come.” OP offered to pay their babysitter extra money to watch Missy’s kid too; OP also offered to have a lunchtime playdate later on with Missy and both of their kids. Missy angrily declined both offers.
Yesterday, a writer for Bored Panda interviewed me via email about this messy Missy situation to get my professional opinion. Here’s what I told them:
Bored Panda: The author offers to pay extra for a babysitter, but the friend still refuses. What are some possible reasons why the friend might be hesitant to leave their child with a sitter, even for a short time?
Kat Vellos: According to the post, Missy didn’t want to leave her daughter with the sitter because the daughter was in daycare all day. This implies that one or more of the following is driving her decision:
A: Missy feels bad leaving her daughter with other people all day and all evening. (We don’t know how the daughter feels about this option; for all we know, the daughter would much prefer to hang out with another kid and a friendly sitter instead of being surrounded by a bunch of adults who only want to talk to each other.)
B: Missy wants to spend time with her daughter after a day apart
C: The daughter wants to spend time with Missy after a day apart
D: Missy might feel embarrassed to let her pay for a sitter for her, so she doesn't want to accept the offer even if makes the most practical sense.
Bored Panda: How can friends with different parenting styles find common ground and communicate their needs effectively?
Kat Vellos: People come with all different quirks, idiosyncrasies, and lists of things that annoy the crap out of them, so they’re naturally going to have different boundaries, needs, preferences, and perspectives when it comes to parenting styles.
Keep in mind: There’s a difference between boundaries and preferences. If you and your friend are working together to navigate each other’s preferences, it’s going to be easier to compromise and flex so you can find common ground. But if one person states a firm boundary or requirement, that’s different. Attempting to push them past a firm boundary that they’ve already made clear is a good way to damage your friendship permanently.
Bored Panda: The friend who threw a fit feels excluded. Were there alternative ways the situation could have been handled to avoid hurt feelings? Could the author have offered a compromise, or could the friend with the child have been more understanding of the request for a child-free event?
Kat Vellos: The author offered two compromises—she offered to pay the sitter extra money to also watch Missy’s daughter. The author also suggested that they have a lunchtime playdate together with both of their kids to celebrate at another time. She made it as logistically easy as possible for Missy to either attend the adult party or accept a reasonable alternative. Missy wouldn’t lose any cash if she came to the adult party since she wouldn’t have to pay for a sitter and she didn’t contribute to the cost of the private room rental. All she had to do was show up and celebrate her friend’s birthday — either with the grownups at night, or later at a lunch with the kids. Instead, she disinvited herself from both options.
Missy could definitely have been more understanding of the request for a child-free event. This was her friend’s birthday party after all, and this friend offered to pay for a sitter for both of their children, demonstrating that she wanted Missy there.
On someone’s birthday, they are the one who gets to call the shots, period. They have every right to say: “no kids” or “no dogs” or “no shoes in the house” or “no alcohol” or “no Nickelback” or whatever. As their friend, the most awesome thing you can do is to help them have that kid-free, dog-free, Nickelback-free, sober shindig. Or, you can kindly decline to attend.
If someone wants a child-free gathering, not just on their birthday but any day of the year, they have every right to say so. Sometimes that means their parent-friends can attend, and sometimes that means their parent-friends can’t attend. In declaring that boundary, they’re making it clear that whether you can make it or not, they’re willing to accept any outcome.
“But, parents need to party, too!”
I know. If I had kids, I would definitely need a drink or three. But trust me when I say that no matter what you wish for, someone else is wishing for it also. You can create a parent-full, kid-full party if you want to.
Case in point: The “crying babies in a bar are totally welcome” event that is extremely popular in Vancouver, Canada. Stacey McLachlan wanted to make parenting less lonely, and she missed being able to go to a bar. She thought other parents might feel the same. Voila! Baby Happy Hour was born. Something like this event is a good compromise for folks who want to want to hang out, have drinks, and don’t mind being around a bunch of babies and kids at the same time.
Living that childfree life
Are you trying to live your best childfree life? I've spoken at length with the vlogger Amie Kelbing who runs the Hotter & Weirder Youtube channel. Check out our video about how to make and keep childfree friends in adulthood.
This topic is a luscious one to discuss with your friends—especially before any of you have kids! But if you or your friends already have kids, you can still have an open conversation about how much you each want to involve kids in your friend hangout time. The answers might surprise you!
Discuss what each of you considers to be high-quality friend time. And when the right moment calls for it, remember your right to practice a radical act of boundaries to create the outcome you’re dreaming of.
XO,
Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships
© 2024 Kat Vellos. This post, like everything else on this website, is copyright of Kat Vellos. All rights reserved. No one else may use this content without permission.
Need help making hyperlocal or hyperspecific friends?
Add yourself to the waitlist for the upcoming cohort of Platonic Action Lab, and I'll be in touch soon.
